"whether tis better to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune... "

my friend libby got the guy she wanted.

it was cute watching them holding hands and stuff in the hallway.

it made me want gus even more though.

sigh.

if trees didnt exist.........

the world would be filled with carbon dioxide and we would die

we wouldnt be able to grow fruit.

all the small animals that live in trees (birds, squirrels, etc...) would die due to lack of hospitable conditions.

all the animals that live in the rainforests of south america and india would die.

we'd have to find some other way to celebrate christmas than with christmas trees.

all of our beds, tables, chairs, houses, etc... would be made from materials like metal and plastic.

we would not be able to survive.

so please. think of the trees.

hmmm....i think i need to revert back to not listening in world cultures class......

lucky me.

im stuck at home, sick as hell

everything seems surreal and unnatural

im glad i didnt go to school though.

school is like hell on earth

i havent talked to gus in two days

i tried calling him last night but he wasnt there

i need him

im going to go mad otherwise

im in science right now, bored out of my brain.

some girl threw up in my last hour class. it was funny, my french teacher got on the phone to the office and was giggling when she was telling them about it.

i called this entry apples in honor of libby, who is not in my science class, but will undoubtably be in the library later today.

as well, i think we'll be in the library for world cultures. again.

ok, still in sci. doing absolutly nothing. still got 15 mins left of class.

 natural resources.....hmmm....thats what im supposed to be researching.

america consumes about 1/3rd of the world's annual oil consumption.

that is insane. america is such a materialistic nation. they use so much stuff and just throw it away when they get sick of it.

but all in all, america is ok. i guess. i dont know. it sure has some hot guys though ;) 

i find this whole thing immensely ironic.

im sitting in world cultures beside libby and kathleen and we're all doin the same thing.

hahaha.

i can hear christine talking about child prostitutes in brazil. its kind of sad really, when you think about it.

 "We thought we were protected forever from trade policy or terrorist attacks because oceans protected us." —George W. Bush, speaking to business leaders at APEC Summit, Santiago, Chile, Nov. 20, 2004

"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

"Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" —Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.'' —Townsend, Tenn., Feb. 21, 2001

       ok, thats all for now folks. i'll have more later.

libby isnt in school today, lucky thing. she got the extreme pleasure of going to iowa.

here is a curious little poem i had the fortune to come across:

        "everytime i shed these tears of rage and hatred i know id rather be dead pumped full of lead then have to put up with the shit you just said its stuck in my head making me see red filling me with dread..."

it goes on, but i dont have the time to type the whole thing. i'm in world cultures once more, sitting beside my beloved kathleen, typing blissfully away while the teacher ignores this corner of the library.

im in 9th hour at the moment. nicole, where are you during 9th hour? i am intensely curious as to if i know who you are or not.

in ten minutes i can i get to leave this building and be done with school until next year. i cant wait.

of course, i have to go home and pack, which is a downside, and finish all the homework that has been piled upon me. sigh. c'est la vie.

im talking to kathleen online at the moment....of course, i want to be to talking to gus as well, but guess who's not online right now....grrrr...feel the negative vibes.....

on the other hand he may not be back from school yet, so i guess i shouldnt be too upset..sniff...or sad....i'll get over it.

im so glad this year is almost over. its certainly been one of the more...shall we say...."eventful" years of my life?

well, for an overview of my year:

jan: had a huge crush on mason vail

feb: gave him a valentine card

mar: started to get over the mason thing, flirted a lot with allen czarnecki

april: dyed my hair blue, developed a crush on troy

may: everyone started talking about "the dance" and what they would be wearing to it.

june: 8th grade dance. allen took a couple of liberties, troy drew a picture of a penis in my yearbook. i more or less gave up on both of them. i also went to the SDA camp meeting and thought it was boring and pointless as i knew no one there.

july: i cut my hair real short, let my sabbath school teacher talk me in to attending some weird camp, and met stephanie schultz, gus's sister.

august: met up with steph again at the pathfinder camporee in oshkosh, noticed her cute brother, said good-bye to mason (who now lives in tennessee), and promised to keep in touch with steph. for some inexplicable reason i also decided to talk to her brother online.

september:went back to school. things were slightly awkward with allen, and we didnt talk to each other much. i keep in touch with gus, and talked to him like every day.

october: went trick-or-treating with friends, had a blast.

november: my birthday! which i spent at gus's house. which was great.

december: had a party, made out with gus, started talking to allen again, and broke the heart of a poor boy at my church.

huh. a whole entire year of my life, summed up into one paragraph. thats pretty pathetic.

at lunch today some guys i know came over and asked me was i going out with andrew miller. i informed them that that was certainly not the case, and kaitlyn grabbed gus's sweater from around my waist and told them that i already had a boyfriend, i was wearing his sweater, and no way was it andrew miller. i found the incident quite confusing actually, but then again i find a lot of things confusing, so i wasnt too worried. 

i really need to go and pack, but quite honestly im lacking the motivation needed to do so.

instead i think i will visit all my favorite websites until my dear mother forces me to relinquish my laptop and do homework. sigh. mothers are so demanding. 

well, i got exactly three x-mas presents this year. they were:

--> a purple boom box

--> a huge make-up set.

--> a really preppy top from my grandmother

i have no idea why my grandmother sent me the preppy top. last time i saw her i was 100% gothic.

im going to miss gus so much while im gone.....sobs histerically.....well, i'll see him new years weekend anyway. that's gonna be great.

im watching csi in our hotel room in illinois.....sigh. i wish i was at home right now. then i could be listening to music, talking to ppl online, etc..

im so tired. i went to bed really late last night as mason and i were babysitting both sets of brothers. my parents came home to find me and chan laughing histerically over a jigsaw puzzle and mason watching football in their living room.

ohh, i have a funny story.....

christmas night i was playing fast scrabble with mason and it was like 11 and we could barely keep awake, so he turns to me and says "hey do you want to keep playing, or do you want to go to bed?". then his face turned bright red as he realized what he said and he immediately was like "i..i..i didnt mean it like that...i mean...". this went on for about 2 minutes, and when i finally stopped laughing i said "freudian slip mace. could of happened to anyone."

yeah, that kid is hilarious. plus he actually let me put my arm around him so that our parents could take a picture. he's a great friend to have...to a certain degree. mention anything about a male/female anatomy and he leaves the room immediately.

whoo-hoo! home at long last. sigh.

im so tired. i had to sleep in the same bed as my 13yr old bro last night. urgh. i'm still trying to recover. i believe at one point in the night we started kicking each other viciously. well, i guess thats what happens when i want all the covers. hahaha. (mutters darkly under breath "stupid little brat" )

i feel really bad. kathleen wanted me to go to an all-night skate thing, but i have to be up early tomorrow, and im really wrecked right now. i'll make it up to her somehow.

im listening to bowling for soup right now. 1985.

great decade, the '80s. i wish i was born then. well, i was, but i mean, come on, 1989 hardly counts.

according to my parents it was great. my mother even admitted to attending a duran duran concert. lucky her.

its amazing. i go online, looking for pictures on british anarchy, and almost every pic i found was blocked/moved location/404 error, etc...

it is obviously a conspiracy put in place by the british government to stomp out any signs of anarchy in the uk. tsk. utterly disgraceful.

speaking of which, i had a slight falling out with gus. which im very upset about, i just cant show it. 

he hates france, and thinks they're cowards and the usa had to rescue them constantly over the years, etc...

i think thats being highly racist and discriminatory and he should be taken out and shot. well not really. thats just an expression. but nevermind. as a protest to his evil biased ways, je vais parler en francais. comme sa, il ne pourra pas comprendre ce que je dit, et, en plus, il ne pourra pas le critiquer.

i had a great time new years weekend. of course, that was because i spent it with gus.

my brother likes his sister, its so ironic. well, kind of.

my dad just sent me an email. it said:

"never squat while wearing spurs" <-- texan proverb

yeah, hilarious, i know. thats my dad.

i thought i began the new year in a pretty good way: being kissed by gus is always immensely fun......even though it bothers me.

on the way home tyler thought it was amusing to yell "when priests watch nun's stripping for alterboys....alright!!!"

i blame gus for the bad influence.

how did everyone else spent new years day?

here are my results:

You Are a Lace Bra!Dreamy, romantic, and ultra-feminine

You're a womanly woman who makes guys feel like men

Your perfect guy is strong, determined, and handsome

With a softer side that only you can draw out

well, i just finished putting together a plagerized paper for science. its not due till friday, so hopefully i'll get around to rewording it, etc...

i had a discussion with shannon today about how i have the amazing knack of bringing every conversation around to my favorite subject....gus.

it was hilarious actually, because i dont even realize that i do that. but according to shannon, "every time i talk to you, all our conversations end with gus". well, i cant help it that i think about him non-stop. rofl....if he was a cigarette id be a chain smoker. im addicted to him.

yay!!!hes online!!!now my world is complete. or something. he can be so much fun to talk to sometimes. hes really funny.

i love him

my brother is insane. first he carved a giant "s" on his arm, and now he's just informed me that he stood up in the cafeteria at school today and announced that he loved stephanie schultz. man, talk about an obbsession.

hmmm....ive been reading all the sk8r mags he got out from the library. that kid is a sk8r nut. hes pretty good though. no matter how badly he falls he'll still get right back it. thats what i love about him --> he's so much like me. except that he loves doing stuff outdoors and i dont. but whatever.

how many of you people out there who know zordan zilk absolutely hate his guts? *counts about 100 hands raised in enthusiasm*

me too. he is a fat moronic selfish malicious evil pale little bastard that enjoys nothing better than putting people down so that he feels better about the fact that hes overweight and unsightly. if he ever goes swimming in the ocean (god forbid *alex shudders as she thinks of him in speedos*), he'd get harpooned by the evil whale killers of america.

here are all the things he calls people:

kathleen: fat, a gremlin, a pencil box breaker

libby: facist, hello kitty person

christine: a weasel

melinda: a man

me: the girl that never shows any expression on her face

basically most of the girls hate him. with good reason. hes such a loser.

another disadvantage to being a girl: there's always that time of month........

i have cramps. luckily they're not that bad at the moment.

*sigh* being a guy would be so much easier. they dont give birth, they dont do anything really painful......i should have been born a guy.

of course, then i probably wouldnt love gus. unless i was bi. which would be a distinct possibility....

i wish we had a snow day. ive been listening to the radio for the listings of the schools that are closed. ours wasnt listed. damit.

huh. my bus comes in like 15 minutes. im not dressed and im only halfway done with my breakfast. oh well. it'll probably be late anyway.

i love gus. i miss him. i think about him constantly. *sigh* hes so hot. DONT DENY IT GUS!!! you are.

SNOW DAY!!!!

oh yeah!!!!

tonight i got the pleasure of babysitting a three year old girl and a black great dane that found it amusing to lick my face, and more specifically, my lips.

i babysat for about 6 hours and got 25 bucks for my efforts. nice.

considering i dont like little children that much i actually seem to get on ok with them......a love/hate relationship, i guess.

man im starving. i only had 2 peanut butter sandwiches and a cup cake at the kid's house, as well as a bottle of coke and numerous amounts of gum (my mother, sypathizing with me as she hates small children, allowed to pocket a ton of chewing gum before i started the ordeal. it helps me relieve stress and tension, and it means i bite the gum instead of the kid.)

sigh. well, it's late, i undoubtably have school tomorrow, and im really tired. i should probably go to bed. but im not going to. i think i'll listen to music until i either fall asleep on the keyboard or get dragged away by the insane monkey aliens that i just know are coming to get me.

geometry has got to be one of the hardest subjects ive ever done. its boring, involves too many theorems and postulates, and i just cant do it. cursed be those who enjoy geometry (except gus).

im debating whether to finish typing my math notes or go downstairs and watch die another day with my siblings.

hmmm.....math notes.....die another day.....

i know. huh, duh, i can be so stupid sometimes. i'll take the laptop down there and keep typing my stuff. haha. i outsmarted myself. yet again.

im so glad im a vegan. eating animal products is gross. honestly, do people really enjoy drinking the breastmilk of cows? i mean, come on, thats disgusting. and eating meat? ew.

not to mention the fact that mad cow disease is making a comeback in america, no less.

mad cow disease is caused by bacteria in the cow's muscles, whcih, when eaten, can enter into your brain and cause the nerve-endings to kind of dissolve, making the brain look like a sponge.

and, of course, you then die.

i was talking about mad cow disease with greg this morning and he was all like, "i dont really care about mad cows. i like my steak rare. "

at which point i was practically puking my guts up at the thought of a piece of meat not cooked probably. 

meat....ewww......

milk......ewww.....

cheese....ewww...

eggs......ewww

school is the perfect place for a pyschoanalystic field trip. i mean, what with all the interpersonal relationships going on and stuff, it can get really interesting sometimes.

it also relates back to a couple of confucious's basic 5 relationships: friend to friend, and teacher to pupil.

i also like watching how teachers try and indentify with their pupils.

some, like mrs. locander, try a little too hard. i really dont think the school board would appreciate a health teacher making innapropriate comments about certain people's sex life.

then there's some, like mr. walter, who doesnt even try to identify himself with anybody. he teaches english his own way, and if you cant keep up, well tough, you shouldnt have taken an honors class in the first place.

mr. stouffer, as a geometry teacher, is naturally inclined to be boring. he makes no attempt to make his subject interesting, and cracks jokes that only the geniuses in class understand.

school would be a fun place to be if it werent for the classes

pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis

aka black lung disease

antidisestablishmenterrorism

aka against the against

damit. i logged on to aol and gus was online and everything, then my stupid computer decides to freeze and close all windows. grrr. and of course gus isnt online now, which means im p.o.ed because my mother decided to put a time limit on my computer time, so i wont be able to talk to him as long as i want to.......grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

sarah was being all wierd today. she completely ignored me when i was with kaitlyn, but when she sat with me coming home on the bus she suddenly realized that, hey, i do exist. grrr.....she bugs me a lot.

i need new friends. at the moment i dont fit in anywhere. i just momentarily pop into different cliques throughout the day.

i spend the time before school with all the gamers, anime people, and anarchists (libby & chris...lol)

i spend my lunch period with preps, and, well, really boring quiet people. if im eating with kaitlyn i get to mix with goths, and basically a whole load of guys, as she seems to know half the friggin school.

anything wrong with this picture? i dont fit in with any of those groups. im not a gamer, im not all that into anime, im not extremely anarchist, im certainly not a prep, i dont think im that quiet or boring (well at least i hope im not). im no longer a goth, and last time i checked i was definitely not a guy.

so, yeah, i dont fit in anywhere. i met a really nice senior today though. i cant remember her name though. i hung out with her, kaitlyn, and andrew while the rest of my so-called friends basically abandoned me. not that i really minded that much. im used to being ignored by them.

so instead kaitlyn, the senior chick, another senior chick, and i discussed how mean and horrible that little clique is. of course, im not going to mention exactly which circle of friends im talking about, owing to liability issues, so you'll all just have to guess.

me and chris had fun in health. we defaced mrs locanders white board and drew very naughty things all over it. lets just say the male and female anatomies were involved...lol....... 

damit. i went to the orthadontist today and it turns out i have to get braces and a retainer. fortunately the braces are going to be at the back of my mouth, something to do with correcting my bite.

huh, thats just great.

by Eric Wrisley 

"You're harder to catch than Osama bin Laden."

"The holidays come faster every year. Just like toilet paper—the closer you get to the end, the faster it unravels."

"Hey, I finally got a hold of the hardest working man in Akron, Ohio."

"You're harder to find than George Bush's second term."

"You sound like you woke up next to Marilyn Monroe."

"You know who I am. You've been throwing my brochures away for years."

"Hey! You sound like $40 billion! How do you feel?!"

"How is the most handsome man in Akron?"

"I'm calling from sunny San Diego, California. I saved a spot on the beach for you."

"I heard a rumor. I heard that when Donald Trump needs money, he comes to you."

Free Zingers for George W. Bush to Use During His Debates with John Kerry.

by ryan boudinot

"My vice president has withstood four heart attacks. What's Senator Edwards ever withstanded?"

"John and John, sittin' in a tree, G-A-Y-M-A-R-R-I-A-G-E."

"I may have started a war on false pretenses, but at least I never changed my mind about something."

"The last time I saw Senator Kerry that slippery, we were Crisco-wrestling in the basement of Skull and Bones."

ive been sitting here in the library with nothing to do for the past hour or so, due to the fact that i dont have any exams till 9:45. 

its immensely boring.

i wanted to stay in bed till like 9:00, but my mum decided to drive my brothers to school at 8:20 and drop me off at the same time. the elementary school is right beside the high school.

so, yeah. i meant to phone greg last night because i felt really bad that he failed his math exam, and that i was being mean to him and making him even more depressed. im such an idiot.

wow. the exam period is almost over. which means im going to have to go to world cultures in like 3 minutes. great.

oh, there goes the bell. damit.

idiosyncrosies make the world go round

leaving trails of stardust

over scarlet flowers and

velvet skies

excellent stories

growing inside 

under spells

secluded by everything

LAST PERSON WHO:

Slept in your bed: ummm....that would be me

Saw you cry: oscar, the last time he jumped on my arm

Made you cry:  either oscar or gus.....i cant remember which one....

Spent the night at your house:  libbs!!!

You went to the movies with:  wow. its been ages since i went to the movies with anyone....errr....kaitlyn, i think

You went to the mall with:  my mum

Yelled at you:  gus

You kissed:  gus!!!


HAVE YOU EVER:

Said "I love you" and meant it?:  all the time

Gotten in a fight w/your dog/cat/bird/fish,etc.:  no. thank goodness. my cat could take me down.


Been to New York?: nope

Been to Florida?:  ditto

California?:  yes

Hawaii?: nope

Mexico?:  olé!!!!  lol....nope, never been to mexico.

China?:  i wish.

Canada?:  nope

Danced naked?:  all the time \m/

Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day?:  hhmmmm.....no.

Wish you were the opposite sex?:  well, i dont exactly wish it, i just want to know what its like.... 

Had an imaginary friend?:  uhhh....one or two.





RANDOM…

Red or blue?  definitely blue.

Spring or fall?  i like fall. all the pretty colors and leaves...

Are you bored?  not really. i just wish i was with gus.

Last noise you heard?:  the television. im watching Children of Dune. again.

Things you like in a girl/guy?:  i like gus's tongue. and the way he explain stuff to me. and his hair. and his body. and his voice. and the way he sings and laughs.

Do you have a crush on someone?:  I LOVE GUS!!!!

What book are you reading now?:  the hunt for red october

Worst feeling in the world?:  depression

How many rings before you answer? at least two. more if its someone i dont like.

Future daughter's name:  i used to really like the name Pheobee. but now id pick something like Adelaide.

Future son's name:  id choose something uncommon.like Skylar.

Sleep with a stuffed animal?: i used to. he was a sarcastic orange dog. he was very lazy and sardonic.

If you could have any job you wanted, what would it be?:  to be gus's slave. 

Do you type with your fingers on the right keys?:  there are right keys? huh. waddya know.

What's under your bed?:  a tennis racket. thats bout it. 

Current Age: 15

Siblings:  3

Location:  oconomowoc, wisconsin

College plans: none. i'll probably end up doing medicine in an aussie uni. 

Piercings:  none as of yet 

Boyfriend/Girlfriend: GUS!!!!!!





THE EXTRA STUFF...

Do you do drugs?:  nope.

Do you drink?:  not alchohol.

Who is your best friend?:  gus

What kind of Shampoo and Conditioner do you use?:  the kind that smell like fruit....lol...strawberry is the flavor of this month.

What are you most scared of?: not being with gus

What clothes do you sleep in?:  normally a t-shirt and pyjama pants

Who is the last person who called you?:  gus

If you could change anything about yourself what would that be?:  i'd learn how to do push-ups.

Who do you really hate?: JORDAN ZILK!.....grrrrrr,.......

Favorite number: 13

Been In Love?: still am

What Type Automobile Do You Drive:  i dont drive....sob...sob...

Are You Timely Or Always Late:  i hate being late

Do You Have A Job:  no. cant.

Do You Like Being Around People:  only certain people. like gus.

Best feeling in the world: When im in gus's arms

Are you for world peace: ummmm....i dont know.

Are you a health freak: yes......yes i am. i blame it on my mother. 





STUFF...


Have you ever loved someone you had no chance with:  not really.i just have crushes on ppl i have no chance with

Have You Ever Cried Over Something/Someone of The Opposite Sex Did:  yeah.

Do You Have A "Type" Of Person You Always Go After:  yep.

Want Someone You Don't Have Right Now:  i want gus, hes not here right now, so yes.

Ever Liked a close Guy/Girl Friend:  hmmm.....not that i can think of..

Are You Lonely Right Now:  yes. gus isnt here.

Ever Afraid You'll Never Get Married:  not really. i know im going to married someday.

Do You Want To Get Married:  id like to. itd be fun to have someone all to yourself.

Do You Want Kids:  i'd like to have a couple of kids of my own, but i dont want to be pregant and have to give birth.





FAVORITE...

Room In house:  my brothers room

Type(s) of music:  synth, grunge, ska

Song: at the moment its Mad World by Gary Jules.

Memory:  any time i was with gus

Day Of The Week: friday

Color: i dont really have one.

Perfume and/Or Cologne:  i dont wear perfume.

Month:  November!!!!

Season: ummm......fall.





IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU....

Cried: nope

Bought Something: nope

Gotten sick: nope

Sang: Yep. the Thong Song.

Said I Love You: Yes

Wanted To Tell Someone You Loved them?: well, yes. and i did.

Met Someone New: Yes. harry's friend's mum.

Moved On: errrrrrrrrrr.....i dont know.

Talked To Someone: Yes.

Had A Serious Talk: Yes

Missed someone: Yes

Hugged Someone: no.

Kissed Someone: no. gus isnt here. and he's the only one i want to kiss.

Fought With Your Parents: No.

Dreamed About Someone You Can't Be With: well, i dreamed about gus last night, and i cant be with him owing to the fact that we live so far away from each other, so, yes.

Had a lot of sleep: yep. always on weekends.

(for clarification purposes, i took this off libby's blog. she wanted to know what i would do if all these things happened to her.

she rocks. oh yeah. rock on libbs!!!!!  \m/)

- WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF:
» I died from natural causes: id b sad
» I said I liked you: id b happy
» I kissed you: ummm.....welll....we did, it was fun
» I lived next door to you: id stalk you
» I started smoking: id slap you
» I stole something: ditto
» I was hospitalized: id stay by your bedside
» I ran away from home: id let u stay at my house
» I got into a fight and you weren't there: id kill the people you got into a fight with.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY:
» Personality: i like it
» Eyes: they're nice
» Face: its pretty
» Hair: its red and cute
» Clothes: always hot \m/
» Family: havent met them


WOULD YOU:
» Be my friend?: yep. i am
» Keep a secret if I told you one?: yep
» Hold my hand?: yep
» Take a bullet for me?: probably
» Keep in touch?: yes
» Try and solve my problems?: ummm...i guess so
» Love me?: YES!!!YES!!!
» Date me?:HELL YES


HAVE YOU EVER:
» Lied to make me feel better?: i dont think so
» Wanted to kiss me?: yep
» Wanted to kill me?: not really
» Broke my heart?:umm....i dont think so
» Kept something important from me?:nope
» Thought I was unbearably annoying?:only once or twice

~~**~~::.And More.::~~**~~

1. Who are you? the leader of zogg
2. Are we friends?yep
3. When and how did we meet?social studies last yr
4. Do you have a crush on me?a bit
5. Would you kiss me?yep
6. Describe me in one word. hot
7. What was your first impression? "wow. shes cool"

8. Do you still think that way about me now? yep
9. What reminds you of me? a little kitten
10. If you could give me anything what would it be? happyiness
11. How well do you know me? umm..pretty well, i think.
12. When's the last time you saw me?like, friday.
13. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? uhh..no
14. Are you gonna send this back to me to see what I
say about you? im gonna post it on my blog.

oscar wilde.

the greatest writer that ever lived.

some might argue that shakespere was, but personally i perfer wilde.

"there is no sin except stupidity"

edgar allen poe.

genius of his time.

too bad he married his cousin. who was 12 at the time.

"and we lived in the kingdom by the sea

me and my annabelle lee"

my mum was reading over my shoulder and she saw the picture of gus with the hair all over one side of his face and went, "awwww.....what happened to her?"

by the time me and tyler had stopped laughing, mum had worked out that it was gus and not some weird girl. man, it was hilarious.

julius caeser

pathfinders.

great. i havent done all the things i was supposed to do either, aka doing washing for a week. so my pathinder director will undoubtably not be too happy.

hmmmm.....i believe we are going to start a drilling honor soon. steve mertin will be doing that with us. :(

well, hopefully we should be celebrating emily and harry's birthdays tonight, so that should take away some of the time. that means we'll be getting cake or icecream......mmm......

sarah will be there tonight. things havent been too bad with her lately.

her sister's pathfinders now too, which is good because it meanse that instead of 4 ppl in our club we now have 5. lol

well, i better go find my pathfinder shirt. hmmm......i hope i know where it is. should be in my bookshelf somewhere. under my sash or whatever its called.

im really behind in my geo notes, but i just cant face doing them.....not to mention i lost a lot of them between here and last november.......hmmm.....procrastinating as usual...oh well. i dont care.

geometry is ok in theory, but actually doing it is a pain in the ass.

just got done with my homework. didnt have a lot of it, thank goodness.

last night gus told me he usually doesnt believe what i say. figures.

i asked him why and he said it was because i was wrong most of the time. tsk.  

being a scorpio is such a pain. i can relate to christopher though.

scorpios tend to keep a lot of feelings hidden inside. that can be good and bad, depending on what kind of feelings.

scorpios are also the one of the most passionate signs of the zodiac......hehehehe......lucky libby....

im in english right now.....yay.

i just got done typing up some paper.

i wish gus wouldnt post things in code......he knows i cant work it out....

Todays Australia Day!!!!! Yeah!!!!

coincedentally its also harry's birthday.

as a tribute to gamers i decided to post one of my favorite "Dork Tower" things. enjoy.

Matt: "Igor?Carson? Are you guys ok?"

Igor: "Oh...Yes...I guess...*sniff*"

Carson: *Sniff*

Matt: "So...Uhh.."

Igor: "Its just that we saw "meet joe black" for the 78th time. *Sniff*"

Carson: "Im so in touch with my feminine side now. *Sniff*"

Matt: "78 Times!"

Igor: "Its very emotional. A real *Sniff* tear jerker"

Carson: "I just realized...Ive...Ive never been to me..."

Matt: "wow. It must be brilliant!"

Igor: "No....Its wrteched...appalling...one of the worst pieces of...DREK Ive ever seen! *Sniff*"

Matt: "Well, if its so bad, why did you....uh....why....uh...."

~~~Lightbulb goes off~~~

Matt: Youre ALLOWED to leave the theater after the "Star Wars" trailer is over, you know..."

Igor: "NOW THEY !"£$%^& TELL US!"

Carson: "anyone wanna watch "ally mcbeal"? i think ive got some ice cream......"

roflmao........gamers....gotta love'em.......

why bother to try

we're all gonna die

crushed by our lies

twisted inside

colliding and sliding

but theres a door open wide

its a place to hide

so go inside

were having a movie night tonight.....not sure what movie though......with our pathfinder director, her husband, a guy named scott (aka scottie-too-hottie in some circles.....lol.....so basically just by him..)

our pathfinder director is great.......hmmm.....i just realized that the bible bowl thing is next saturday....

sarahs over here. shes great. she'll be at the bible bowl too......hehehehehe.........

my mum dragged me and my brothers out to some distant place to buy skis today. and, lucky me, i just got home.......sigh......the things i have to do to please that child......lol.......

gus is so hot. he denies it, but its true.

i hope i'll get to see him on saturday.......mmmmm........hehehehe.....

*alex slaps herself*

bad girl !!!! tsk........mind in the gutter......as usual......

ouch. im sore all over. i had gym today. i was forced to exercise muscles i didnt even know existed.

and they hurt....*alex allows herself a moment of self-pity*........ok, im done now.

well, if i was with gus id be pretty sore too........i think i'll just leave that sentence hanging...........

im talking to gus. i dont know what hes talking about, but i enjoy hearing his voice, so i dont really care what he talks about, as long as he talks........hmmmm........one exeption to that........i like that exception.....

im here in guided independant reading......we have a sub, so im not doing much.......

today has been such a bloody day. literally.

hehe....i get to see libby next hour, study hall........thats going to be fun....

my school report came today......not bad....not bad at all......apparently im placed 26th out of the 363 freshman at kettle moraine.

oh the joy....*rolls eyes sarcastically*

i hope gus isnt reall y mad at me, because of last night.........i had to get all the energy out of my system somehow.................

PLEASE DONT BE MAD AT ME GUS!!!!!

well......on a lighter note...........libby said i dressed like a dyke today.....tsk......

i was wearing a white tube top, black shirt wt/the sleeves rolled up, and camo pants.

i do not see how that makes me look like a dyke.

people are so weird sometimes.

i had a panic attack in english today. i dont know why it happened or anything.

everything went weird and i started hyperventillating.

ann davis came up before the bell rang and was like "umm...alex? u okay?"

after english i ran to the girls bathroom and tried to control my breathing. it was wierd. the whole room started sliding in and out of focus and i was really dizzy.

it was so creepy.

well, the bible thingy was today.

it was so funny. our team knew none of the answers to any of the questions, so we just kept writing the weirdest things we could think of. it was hilarious.

for a moment i almost thought gus wasnt going to come, and i felt really sad......but then i saw him and i swear, i just wanted to hold him and never let go....he looked so hot.....he always does......

he let me run my fingers through his hair......hes great...i love him so much.....

GUS HONEY I LOVE YOU

YOURE THE ONLY GUY I WANT

ILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOU!!!!!

*alex kisses gus passionately*

okay, i decided to do a thing kinda like what greenskittles did, only slightly different.

im going to underline all the things that i think apply to gus for the month of march, then underline all the things that apply to me for november. i added notes in italics.

MARCH: Attractive personality (YES!!). sexy (YES!!). Affectionate. Shy and reserved (thats debateable). Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others (hmmm...im not sure about that one). Loves to serve others (i wish.....). Easily angered (sure is). Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others (he noticed i was right-handed). Revengeful (gee, i hope not...). Loves to dream and fantasize (yes!!!). Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners (rofl....wouldnt surprise me..). Loves home decors (umm....i dont know). Musically talented (ditto). Loves special things (am i special?). Moody.

NOVEMBER: Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked (yep..and usually be my brothers). Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic (yep..). Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions (idk....i try..). Unpredictable.

sitting here, doing absolutely nothing

i wanted to talk

but you wanted to do something else

but its ok

i understand

i dont really mind

i'll see you in a few days anyway

stressed out from school

(i know im going to fail that test)

dont want to study

dont want to sleep

i think i'll play the piano

play the songs i wrote

haunting music that reflects

the way im feeling inside

no one to turn to

im a slave to darkness

im so glad today was a half day. i came home and i watched some anime movie that kaitlyn lent me....it made me feel really sad.........but i enjoyed it.

and no, it wasnt porn.

huh. gus just posted some stuff about how i never wear tight clothes around him & stuff. honestly.

it doesnt matter when i wear that to school because nobody gives a fuck what the hell i look like. as for church, same thing.

now i feel horrible. idk. i just want to go to sleep and forget that i exist.

i dont normally feel that bad.

the last time i was truly down was when  i was at my nanna's house with my mum, and i refused to talk, smile, eat, laugh, or do anything. i felt like there was nothing in the world that could ever make me smile again. i was expressionless, and all i had was a void..a grey and black expanse that contained nothing.

my mum made me walk with her all the time to get me to show some emotion, but that didnt work.

i cant remember how i snapped out of it.

hmmm....i should probably ask her....

well, typing has made me feel considerably better. i cant stay mad at gus. hes male. he doesnt realize the dangers of critizing the clothing of anyone whos gay or female...tsk, tsk....he better learn fast....  

today was interesting. i hadnt taken a shower in like 3 days so i gelled my hair back, which looked pretty sweet. i didnt bother taking a jacket this morning though, which was stupid, since it was 17degrees outside. so i was pretty much cold all day. but i didnt really care. so now im home. my head hurts and im still really cold, but apart from that im ok.

i ended up taking a shower though, which was nice, so now my hair is all better and it smells pretty. at the moment im lying in my mums bed, wrapped in a sheet, with the cat lying somewhere around my feet.

my dad came home today. hes been gone for 8 days. he made salmon for dinner, it was really funny, i walked in the door and there it was, lying on the bench with a phone book on top of it. according to him if you cover it with salt, then clingfilm, and put a phone book on top of it, the salt takes away some of the excess moisture and gives it a more meaty taste. then all he did was cook it in some kind of red wine concoction, and volia! a perfect piece of salmon in a savory red wine sauce......mmmm....

it was delicious. it had the texture of beef, but the taste of a perfectly well-cooked fish.

hmm.....somehow i have amassed $13.30 in library fines.....that figures.. *smacks hand*   Bad Alex!!!! Bad girl for not returning books on time!!!

well, gus is online, so im going to stop blogging and focus on him.....

nothing of interest to comment on today.....well, nothing i can actually remember.....sigh*

oh well, so much for an interesting blog entry....

im watching shrek 2.

its pretty funny.

i love the fairy godmother. shes so cool.

muhahaha..........

well, today hasnt been a complete waste of time. i finished typing the latest of my geometry notes, and i got 18 out of 19 on the stupid math quiz we took last week. that should mollify my mother slightly.

i talked to erin this morning, and was pretty upset at what she told me. its all my fault. i bet it is.

the clock in our kitchen is almost exactly 5 minutes fast. this is so that everyone can catch their bus on time. if the clock was in real time then we would all have a big problem, as non eof us seem to able to get out of the door on time except for tyler.

my radio thingy is on the stove. theres an empty bottle of wine on the counter, accompanied by a blender and my dads digital camera. where im sitting there is a salt shaker with brown rice in it, a mad magazine without a cover, a wineglass that still contains a bit of wine in the bottom, a stapler, my dads old cell phone, my backpack, various assortments of all grapes/apples/mangos/pears, and a whole load of other interesting stuff that is prefectly trivial and would take too long to list.

i think i'll make a list of facts. that will give me some sense of reality.

full name: alexandra blaine clarkson

date of birth: 13th november

star sign: scorpio

location of birth: marybourough, state of queensland, commonwealth of Australia

current location: oconomowoc, state of wisconsin, united states of america

citizen of: Australia and Great Britain

 maternal parent: shelley joan clarkson, nee butler

paternal parent: stuart clarkson

grandparents still alive: 3

great-grandparents still alive: 2

sisters: no

brothers: 3

place in family: eldest

pets: 7

current occupation: none

i feel horrible.

i dont want to be here anymore.

i wish i was with gus right now. id do anything i could to make him feel better.

im so mean to him.........i dont do it on purpose......im really going through a bad phase at the moment....nothing seems right.....

when i talked to my mum yeaterday i felt really insecure and vunerable, and i dont think im completely over it yet.

im such a bad girlfriend

last night he was so upset, but i had to get off the phone...

im sorry gus

fairly uneventful day today.

jesse was being really weird at lunch, kept trying to hug me and stuff. he also came up behind and whispered evilly in my ear "will you go out with me?". he also admitted to no longer being a virgin. hes a junior. hes also shorter than me. he knows i have a boyfriend, and he was trying to freak me out with the whole whispering thing (he came up behind me....really scared me, actually).

then, before 9th hour, erin came up behind me and gave me a big hug.....while she was holding a giant text-book, which whacked me really hard in the chest. i was not impressed.

i hope gus's plan to only listen to happy music succeeded. i want my baby to be completely and ecstatically happy. i love him so much.

MATTHEW!!

kisses for you, you sweet little thing

harry's sick, so i have to stay home and look after him.

basically im making him watch anime with me.

EWWW!! INCEST!!!SICK!!

i think im scared for life.......the rose bride just did it with her big brother....ewww, ewww, ewww!!!

thats really nasty.

on a happier, more pleasent note, im talking to my baby online. hes so sweet. i just want to hold him close and never ever let go.

EWW!! NOT AGAIN!!

thats so screwed up......

today was normal. jesse came up and hugged me before 9th hour and was all like, "you werent at lunch for 2 days. i had no one to pick on" (i was in kaitlyns lunch today).

jesse is becoming disturbing. i really hope he doesnt start liking me as more than a friend. that could get really awkward.

i had a math quiz today. i really dont think it was fair of mr stouffer to give it to me seeing as id been gone yesterday, but whatever. i survived it. plus i found a mistake when i was looking over it, which is always good. theres hope for me yet.

i get to babysit in an hour or so........oh the joy.

a 3year old kid, attention span of a kinigit, who cries if she doesnt see her parents for more than 5 hours. just great.

hehehe....stephs going to be so jealous.....brad came to our church today. he waswearing some wierd leather jacket thing and looking very suave. i dont like him that much though.

i went to skateworld today and skated for an hour. it was ok. i was worried that i was going to crash into all the ickle 3 and 4 year olds. little midgets that they are. but i didnt, which was good.

my dad was telling me about a man he met in a coffeeshop this morning. the guy was about 100 and had been in the war. he seemed lucid and sane, but according to my dad it was certainly not the case. the man claimed to have seen 4 or 5 ufos in his lifetime, one of them being over lake pewaukee, which is disturbing. he was also telling my dad about how a cow in nebraska was found, its skin and outer features intact, but with all its insides sucked out. so it was basically flat.  after that little tale the man ordered some bread and the chick behind the counter was like, "hey bill, you want some butter with that?", and the old dude said, "yeah, 5 please". then he turned to my dad and said, "yessiree, i do like a bit of bread with my butter". when the aforementioned bread came he started up a discussion about some eggs he had in his fridge since 2002. he wanted to know if he should eat them ("but they look all right. i mean, they're only a bit cloudy....when i was in the war we'd eat stuff like that all the time" ). my dad persuaded him not to eat the eggs (thank goodness), so that was ok.

i tried ringing kaitlyn to see if she'd like to see a movie with me, but her phone's been engaged. oh, wait, im pretty sure she gave me her cell phone number....at least, i hope she did.......damit. i have no idea where she would have written it. its not on my arm, so she didnt write it there...and it couldnt have washed off in the shower because i havent had a shower since thursday...she didnt write it on my leg...

hmmm....she probably wrote it on a piece of paper somewhere. so basically i dont know  where it is. figures. oh well.

The sky was dark

The moon was high

All alone, Just her and I

Her hair so soft

Her eyes so blue

I knew just what she wanted to do

Her skin so soft

Her legs so fine

I ran my fingers down her spine

Didnt know how

But tried my best

I placed my hand upon her breast

Shaking hands and  beating heart

Slowly I spread her legs apart

When I did I felt no shame

When all at once the white stuff came

Now its finished, its over now

My very first time

Milking a cow

im having boy trouble. over, shock shock, allen czarnecki. i dont mind the fact that he has a gf, its just them making out near my locker thats the problem. i swear he does it just to piss me off. well, probably not.

he must really go for the personality thing, though, because damn, if i didnt know better i'd swear i was seeing camilla parker-bowls.

they're so lucky though. i mean, they get to see each other every single day. sigh. i miss gus so much. but i only have to wait another 11 more days, then i can see my baby again and everything will be better.

i also found out something interesting about aaron today. it basically just confirmed what i thought all along. which makes me sad, for reasons best kept to myself (and one of my very close friends).

hmm...damn. i gave libby my science notebook,coz she needed it, and i have just realized that my homework was in there. oh well. im smart, im sure i can remember what i had to type up.

well gus was freaking out over something i said and he wrote me i really upsetting email. huh. plus he also says that he doesnt trust me, etc, etc... tsk. i hate it when he accuses me of being a liar. out of all my faults thats a pretty minor one to bring to light. but whatever. idk. he'll accuse me of being a liar over the simplest of things.

this time it was because i sent him an email telling him that i was supposed to be studying, then when he called me he says i told him id been playing runescape for the last 15mins. personally i think his baseless accusations leave a lot to be desired. i mean, if i want to feel bad about something ive done, youd think hed at least make sure id actually done it before he accuses me. sigh. i wish he had more trust in me. i trust him. perhaps more than i should.

but dont worry gus darling, im not mad at you or anything. just slightly hurt.  

oh, and seth, my email address is aussiechick1311@hotmail.com

use it wisely 

i feel drained of everything.

if someone was to stab me in the back right now i wouldnt feel a thing.

i cried for about 2 hours this afternoon.

over everything and nothing

my body aches

my eyes sting

theres a void inside me

not black, not white

a cloudy dark grey void

bliss

 i got a 92% on my geo test

yes!!!!

now my grade is up to a B-

i only got 2 problems wrong, but since all of the questions were worth 4 points each (stupid, i know), it brought my grade down.

i dont feel too bad about the ones i got wrong though. i had no clue how to do them and expected to get them wrong anyway.

i keep thinking im going to puke but i stop at the last minute. its so irritaing. i have monday off next week, so my n tyler get a 3 day weekend. pretty sweet. i dont know if i want to go to school tomorrow either. i dont have any tests or anything, so my mum wouldnt mind.

jesse was being his stupid self. he says that kaitlyn (or liz as he calls her) has been telling people that we're going out. grrrrrr. as if. i know kaitlyn just kidding when she says stuff like that, but still.

apart from that i had a pretty mild day. someone fucked up my alarm clock, so it went off at 6:30 instead of 6. tyler and me had to sprint around the house getting our stuff together, and i didnt eat breakfast (alex looks regretful as she thinks of yet another meal she has missed)

im babysitting again tonight. sigh. 'tis rare the days when both my parents are actually present and at home. if i didnt know any better id swear my ma was having an affair.

well, on the plus side, i get to order my smaller siblings about, which is always nice. plus i get paid 1.50 an hour, which is a slight consolment, i guess.

well, i found out what baylen's problem is. he was under the impression that i was a lesbian and was hitting on his gf. ROFLMAO

he is so uptight, its downright hilarious. oh well. hes an idiot. but so what.

i was with sarah today. different sarah than the one i had the whole looking-down-her-shirt incident with of course. i waited at her house. i was sleeping in her bed when she came home, and she sat down beside me and was like "ooooh alex, that position looks familiar". then we went ice-skating. it was cool. i spent most of the time going really fast then id drop and slide a couple of feet across the ice, which is always fun. then on the ride home i was filling her in about all gus's amazing abilities.....hehehehe....

we came close to kissing a couple of times but we never actually did, which was fortunate.

i dont want to go to school tomorrow.

SCHOOL SUCKS!!!!!

as for any of you over there that havent visited alexrox's blog recently i implore you to do so, as he really is very hot and he posted a really sweet rap.

hehehe....thats my baby

stupid english class......this is boring.....

MATTHEW BABY I LOVE YOU

i cant wait to see you...........

yay! this class is almost over....ive got guided independant reading next.......joy...

the irony. im back in the computer lab, on the exact same computer i was on last class. im having intense deja vu.....

well, this is the second last class of the day, YAY!!! plus my last class is study hall, meaning that i'll basically mess around with libby the whole entire time....hmmm....i have math homework though....but i think i better do that at home, because there will undoubtably be a quiz tomorrow on the stuff we're learning. area of things. a good thing if i ever want to become a landscape gardener......*mutters darkly*.....or a math teacher... 

hehehe...im plagerizing as usual.....i made a quiz.....its really random, but garanteed a few laughs.....oh, and gus baby, im sorry but i didnt know metallica is your favorite band, or that your favorite gun is the sao27sn238smwi2oq29238njei   or whatever it was....IM SORRY!!!! .......please dont kill me.....

http://www.quizyourfriends.com/yourquiz.php?quizname=050308163507-169938
   

this class is almost over, YAY!!

i have gym next, i get to lift weights..........not that im any good at it.

i'll talk to shane/sean/whateverhisnameis and chris, which will be interesting.

im feeling suprisingly optimistic today, even last night i was arguing with my parents about how they're never around for me.  

i decided to skip lunch today to type out a paper in the library.....im hungry damit. 

mati came over this weekend....hehe.....we had fun.

i love him, hes so much fun to be around

i have decided that i like this library. because my computer is down at home, this is where im going to be spended the majority of my lunch hours, so i guess i have to like it.

i love mati so much. hes so cute, and when he smiles the corner of his eyes get all crinkly, and he just looks so incredibly sweet and innocent. sigh.

half an hour left of science. when i get to go do a bmi thing in gym. i miss my baby so much. since he left on sunday ive felt completely unmotivated and basically uninterested in everything. i talked to him last night though. hearing his voice was, like, the greatest thing ever. hes such an adorable little thing.

i dont approve of him naming certain areas of my body after girls though. tsk. i havent named him anythng. lol.........fun stuff.....

I LOVE YOU MATI!!!!

nothing to do except continue typing on mindsay. i think i'll get a pass to the library for study hall. i believe libby's doing the same thing. that should be fun. i wish mati was here right now. but, while im wishing, i also wish that my laptop was in working condition and that i dont have 2 book reports, a project, and a paper to type up. sigh..........stupid school. i did well on my paper for reading class though, which i was surprised at, so thats one class i do not have to worr about for  a while....mostly.

yay! got  the script done for our science project! this class is almost over though. dangit. i dotn want to have to change into my gym clothes and get weighed and stuff. i want to stay in teh library doing nothing.

matthew darling, i miss you and i love you. and when you get married to kali i will be your best man. seth can be your bridesmaid.

im here in the comp lab with libby......w00t....stupid ppl in here though. i just want to be with mati....i miss him so much...i have a lock of his hair besie my bed, only problem is that it makes me miss him even more....poor libby, chris isnt here today so she has no one to play with. i missed him in gym. i got left all on my own because my partner took another girl to the health room. so i got stuck doing weights all by myself. but whatever. i didnt care. its nice to be alone sometimes. theres only 15 minutes left of this class. yay! which means i get to go home and spend another hour or so trying to sort out my laptop without actually wiping the hard drive, which im kind of reluctant to do. mati says he can fix it, but i dont really want to lose all the stuff thats on it. i would get my uncle to sort it out, but because my mum doesnt have msn on her laptop and refuses to let me install it (she doesnt trust me), theres not really any way of getting in contact with him to talk real-time (theres no way he'll talk on the phone, so thats out). sigh. matthew is my only hope. which is kind if sad, if you ask me.....hehhe.....libbys doing an entire entry in leet. or at least shes trying to. oh, no, wait......maybe not......sigh. w/e. i dont know what shes doing. mabe if i ask really nicely my mum will let me check my emails and my blog when i get home. shes terrified that i'll screw her computer up in some way. she blames me for the fact that my laptop is now completely fucked. but thats ok, because i blame me too. hmm......5 minutes left. then i'll go home, do nothing, wait for rachel to call and organize something for tomorrow (half day, yay!), and then i'll probably make dinner, clean the kitchen, wait until my mum goes out to her swimming class, then i'll watch napolean dynamite downstairs. or i might watch it as soon as i get home. i havent decided. the great thing about being the eldest- my mum doesnt care what i do because shes got her hands full with my other brothers. i love the way me & tyler get home before them. that gives us like an hour and 20 mins to do what we want when we get home from school without them wanting to do whatever we do. .......1 minute left. well, to some up this entry, id like to just remind my twin sister that i love her very much:

I LOVE YOU MATI!!!!

stupid school.30 minutes is not enough for lunch break. 

last night my mum got a phone call from the school informing her that i skipped 9th hour yesterday. which i didnt. even shane can testify to that, he walked me to class.

hehehe....kaitlyn's sitting beside me, kissing me passionately.....jk. shes giggling. dont know why, but whatever.  

i never thought that i would be jealous of a guy. its so wierd. i guess it just shows how involved i am. damit. i feel so useless. im never there when people need me. i only make things worse. i want to help, but it seems like no matter what i do i cant make things better for anyone. man, i hate my life. 

im on my mums laptop right now......im supposed to be doing homework, but im in a non-concentrating mood right now.....two friggin gym papers to write.

my stupid laptop is down again. its wierd. it'll start up, be working fine, then it'll crash suddenly without warning. damn technology. damn fycking computer.

on a lighter note, sarah should be coming over soon, her sisters in tow.

i talked to mati last night. its great having a twin sister that i can talk to about anything.

well, i really dont have anything that important to say.......hmmm.....

matthew, youre a complete romantic and you need to find a gf to shatter your innocence.

ahem.

i gave surbhi my lunch with strict instructions not to eat it. i hope she listens.

guess what.......i got 15 out of 17 on a math quiz. not brilliant, i know, but it was still better than most people in my class.

last night was fun. we stayed up till like 11:30 talking about random things, it was great. then at one in the morning elise had to go to the bathroom, so she woke me up and made me come with her. im pretty tired right now. but its ok. spring break in 3 days

w00t!

poor chris got whacked in the back during gym. so he immediately dropped to the floor and lay there agonizing for a while until i helped him up. silly child.

well, i better go eat.

matthew darling, i love you

im in kaitlyns lunch hour today. i think i failed  my test in geo. i hate that class.

i cant stop thinking about mati. im wearing his locket today. idk. its comforting.

kaitlyns wearing a bright hot pink jacket. looks stunning on her actually. warm, deep, passionate colors suit her the most i think. shes typing a book report.

hmmm....the librarians are yelling at someone. okay, yeah that was random.

this day is almost over. then i get to go home, take a long hot shower, unwind, etc... well, i should probably be studying for my gym test, but i really couldnt give a damn about it. im one of the lucky few that has barely any tests this week. shannon has 8 tomorrow. idk how, seeing as we only have 7 classes in a day, but whatever

i

love

MRLS

because hes incredibly hot, sweet, romantic, sensitive, adorable, and hes probably the only one that could ever made my wildest dreams come true........

i probably shouldnt be thinking such dirty thoughts in school, but i cant help it.

youve already won me over

in spite of me

dont be alarmed if i fall

head over feet

dont be surprised if i love you

for all that you are

i couldnt help it

its all your fault!

rofl, i crack myself up......im hungry though. im gonna see if liz is done.....she is. YAY!!

now i get to eat

bye bye all you little munchkins

nyahahaha

well, i told my mum about the math test. she took it surprisingly well.

i have pretty bad cramps right now. bloody pms. im too lazy to find tylenol though. figures. i'll just have to suffer in silence.........

poor sarah. she got bad news last night, and she was pretty much down all day. i could kill that mf-ing child though. greg, not sarah. sigh. but whatever. she's a strong girl. she'll get over it.  

PEACE OUT LADIES AND GENTS

im bored. lunch is taking forever. i dont really have anything to eat, so there isnt much point in going to the cafeteria till the very end of lunch. i was supposed to have a article for english saved on a floppy disk, but i dont. im too lazy to retype it so im going to pretend that 

1) both my floppy disks broke yesterday

2) i brought the wrong disks

3) i couldnt type it because i found out last night that my mums laptop doesnt have a floppy disk drive. plus my laptop is out of action right now.

he can decide what to do with me later....nyahahaha.......

matt, about your wierd dream. idk right now because i dont have my dream book, but it sounds like youre wrestling with feelings of guilt in some way. maybe you want to be with kali but feel guilty because of me. 

sea: the dream may indicate a need to reassure yourself or offer reassurance to someone. 

kiss: If you are kissing a close friend, then it represents your respect and adoration for your friend. It may or may not signify a romantic interest for him or her.

sex:To dream that you are making love in public or in different places, relates to some overt sexual issue or need.  Your dream may be telling you that you need to express yourself more openly. Alternatively, it represents your perceptions about your own sexuality in the context of politic and social norms. You may be questioning your feelings about sex, marriage, love, and gender roles. 

yeah, yeah, so that doesnt really apply, but i thought it was interesting anyway.

english is over-rated. gives me time to type though. hehehe.

LONG LIVE THE QUEEN

im so sore right now. somehow, last night, i caught a bug. so now my head aches. along with (for some reason) my thighs, neck, back, and shoulders.

i also feel extremely faint and every time i get up everything goes out of focus and i feel like im going to fall.

my mum also has what i have, except her throat is sorer than mine and she doesnt have a fever.

why do i have to be sick!!!! its spring break!!! grrr.... i was going to have a sleepover with libbs and sarah on thursday, but now i wont be able to. bloody bugs.

on a lighter note, today i went to kohls with my mum as we had 30 dollars worth of gift vouchers to use up. everything is so preppy and icky there though. and expensive. $30 for a pair of jeans that already had holes in them. sad, sad world. in the end my mother bought herself some frivolous underwear. i was going to get a hot deep purple bra but i decided not to.

vive la france.

j'aime matthew, qui est mon joie de vivre. j'adore ses cheveaux, sa langue, son grand........errr....nez, son adorable facon de sourire, etc.....

il est si mignon, mon petit bebe.

i really dislike tyler. the little fucker is complaining that he has to scrub the kitchen floor, and of course thats so unfair because the floor is so dirty and why cant he use sandpaper, it would be so much easier....

grrr.....

i think i might just take a leaf out of mums book and throw a bottle of water at the little fucker.

sigh. remain calm alex. deep breaths. in....out......in...out.....

ok, im back to being my normal sardonic self.

i felt so bad because i had to cancel the sleepover i was going to have with libbs and sarah. well, im feeling marginally better. im not as dizzy now and my fever's gone down. hehe....i was able to spend the entire day in my mum's bed. as i was lying there i realized something. her bed, my bed, the spare bunk in my brothers' room, they all have orange sheets.

but whatever. its weird.

my neck is still in a brace. it really hurts. i still havent figured out why. damit. 

school is the biggest waste of time ever. the only reason the majority of people attempt to learn anything is to pass the class, regardless of whether or not they know the information. grrrr....it makes me so mad.

compounding my hatred of the american education system is the fact that my brother is suspended from school and banned from the school bus for a week. i fucking hate his principal.

we got cutlery-ed during the night. this morning our lawn was covered with various plastic knifes, spoons, and forks, all sticking out of the ground with things written on them. a sign, held by 3 forks, read "happy belated april fools". our neighbours are so weird.

i still hate the entire education system.

i think chris hates me. sigh. bummer.

libby isnt in school. i probably made her sick. chris claims he isnt feeling too well either, which he is also blaming on me.

tsk.

rollerblading in gym today. pretty wierd actually. gym teacher commented on the paper i handed in and said it was great, etc... i didnt have the heart to tell him that my mum wrote it for me. but whatever. i think im going to borrow my brother's blades from now on. i didnt really like the school ones.

well, im supposed to be eating lunch right now. fun stuff. i think the rest of the day is going to be pretty easy for me. i should be in the library again next hour, working on a newspaper article or something. i thin i might get a pass for study hall too, depending on how much math i get done. sigh. well, whatever.

school is such a waste of time. the only thing i have learned today was that as you go across the periodic table the elements produce different colored flames in the colors of the rainbow. which is sweet. apart from that today has been yet another gigantic waste of time. oh well. as matthew would say, shit happens.  

english class. another pointless effort made by the government in an attempt to teach us english that the rest of the world is not familiar with.

what is the point of school!?!

.....its all so pointless.......

i just got done working on my half of the english assignment. the class is supposed to be creating a fictional newspaper. and what is it going to be called? the savage muffin.

tsk. its pathetic.

im so tired. i cant focus on anything. and i have to pee really bad. sigh. oh well.

school is almost over. id like to go home and collapse, but sadly i have to prepare for a guided independant reading test on dr. jekyll and mr. hyde. entertaing, but a drag to study.

marriage, n - to commit yourself to one person for the rest of your life

the appeal is undeniable to anyone who is in the least bit romantic.

yet i fail to see why matthew persists in proposing to me repeatitively.

he knows i wont answer him.

but he keeps trying anyway.

he is either extremely stubborn and desperate, or he just wants to get laid.

i have three books to read for school and one more that i want to read for the fun of it. its probably going to be boring, but whatever.

my reading list at the moment:

frankenstien

for whom the bell tolls

a tale of two cities

the house of mirth

i like this library. i dont like getting books out here, but its great for just doing comp work. plus its reasonably quiet, which is always a bonus.

lunch. a time where i can actually do what i want to do and go to the library. jesse's here with me, which is a rarity in itself.

as for libby, well, she seems to be in a good mood today, so im feeling quite optimistic about our friendship.

suck inside

trapped in lies

the meaningless thoughts

i left behind

no place to turn

nowhere to run

i think the massacre

has already begun...

im reading a book at the moment about how the country is slowly infiltrating each state with OBE schools. im kind of out of time or i would go into more detail. maybe later, if im in the library for guided independant reading.

i like apples.

chicago was so cool. i walked up and down michigan avenue for 6 hours on saturday. it was great. i saw

2 pregnant ladies,

3 gay guys,

a handful of sailors and

5 homeless people

it was incredibly exciting. i also called room service for the first time in my life (normally i get one of my parents to do it).

but thats all over now. im back at school, tired, extremely sore, and kind of amused at matt's entries.

idk. i was talking to his 13year old sister about guys n stuff, which was fascinating, and matt wanted to talk to me. he tells steph to get off the phone. eventually her phone dies. matt calls me, then hangs up on me like 5 seconds later, sounding extremely pissed.

oh well. poor guy. hes going through a pretty rough time.

well, i have to go eat lunch.

A.I.R.B.M.A.

guess what that stands for

the school needs air conditioning. im slowly cooking to death in my hot n sexy green sweatshirt, but i only have a tank top on underneath. sigh. at least i am wearing something underneath. with sweatshirts i usually dont bother.

i hate school.

so concludes another dramatic entry.

i cant concentrate. i have to finsh a paper due tomorrow but im finding it impossible to focus. this is why i dont consume dairy products, dammit. they mess with my mind.

why do all almost all the hot guys have to be gay? i was lamenting with a friend (who shall remain anonymous) about how hot we both thought this one guy was (he shall also remain anonymous---mostly because shane knows him). we both agreed though, that there was no way we could ever imagine him with a girl. sigh. the hottest ones are always gay or asexual. (of course there are some exceptions to that).

shane is a little pervert. today i was dressed in a somewhat questionable way, owing to the fact that i ran out of time to get dressed this morning and flew out the door still doing up buttons and such.

a guy named nathan rides my bus and i walk with him when i can. today i mentioned the fact that he slouches a lot and he immediately turned to me and said, "well you walk like a porn star".

i have no idea what he meant by that, and quite frankly i dont want to find out.

boys are so hard to understand.

im in science....had a stupid thing to do or i would have been blogging......damit....i have gym next......

my legs are still sore from yesterday....its not fair!!!!!!

im tired.mum was out until about 10:30 last night, and i really couldnt sleep till she came home. i was worried because i was looking through the caller id on our house phone (seeing if mati had called....yeah, i know im a loser.....), and i saw that the fire department had called. so naturally i panicked and called my mum to make sure nothing had happened. im so protective of my parents. so sue me.

well, bells gonna ring, so i better start putting my books away......

ta ta

im in guided independant reading. if scheinder catches me not doing work.............i shudder at the thought.

im bored. one class to go and im dying to leave. nathan was in here again today. he didnt distract me though, and for that i am grateful.

im wearing my mums italian jersey. its so hot. nyahahaha....

sex, drugs, rock n roll

speed, weed, brith control

life's a bitch and then you die

so fuck the world and lets get high......

__________________________

walking on a sea of razors

slicing open your feet in every step

you cant stop walking

 blood running everywhere

and you hear a voice inside your head

whispering softly

"id rather be dead..." 

_________________________

my mind is numb. id like to be able to think but i cant, like to be able to scream and cry but nothing happens.

its all so false, unreal. i dont mind but i hate pretending. loaded questions, cautious answers, it just wont stop. i want to comfort him but i cant think of what to say, id like to reassure her but she'll insist that she doesnt need reassuring. continuing like everything is ok when its not....

i dont want to talk about it. ever.

stupid guys. wont pass the freakin ball to girls because they think they'll drop it. A-HOLES!!!!!

GRRRR........chauvinistic pigs.

morgan and i are thinking about pouring white spirits all down the halls "by accident" and setting them alight. only drawback is the cameras, which her friend is responsible for. he got expelled and after that they got installed. damnit.

i started another song last night. i prefer it considerably to my first.

i being difficult today, i dont know why. i was a real trial to my team mates in gym, and i was disruptive in french.

i cant concentrate today. i guess its because i ate pizza last night.

Name: Alexandra

Nicknames: Alex, Ally, Al, Clarkson, Alexio

Birthday: November 11

once again in reading, doing nothing im supposed to. ah well, we have a week to finish what we're working on, so im not worried.

now english, theres where i need to focus. i have to present a timeline for that class, re my life. ooohh, is that going to be fun. not. i hate people knowing about my life. they ask so many questions.

today in that class we got to watch a thing about the french revolution. it was sweet. i love history. it sucks that america doesnt do a lot of it in schools and such. ireland is so much better than ireland, education-wise. 

Name: Alexandra Blaine Clarkson

Birthday: 13/11

Birthplace: Queensland

Current Location: Wisconsin

Eye Color: grey/blue

Hair Color: blond

Height: 5'6

Right Handed or Left Handed: Right

Your Heritage: australian

The Shoes You Wore Today: black skater shoes

Your Weakness: not being very confrontational

Your Fears: i dont like spiders

Your Perfect Pizza: pineapple, black olives, cheese

Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: get my drivers license

Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: rofl

Thoughts First Waking Up: i have to stay awake for another 8 hours and 10 minutes

Your Best Physical Feature: i love my nose.

Your Bedtime: i try to get to bed by ten

Your Most Missed Memory: i miss running barefoot through the fields around our old house

Pepsi or Coke: coke

MacDonalds or Burger King: McDonalds

Single or Group Dates: neither

Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: neither

Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate

Cappuccino or Coffee: neither

Do you Smoke: nope

Do you Swear: yes.

Do you Sing: only in the shower

Do you Shower Daily: yes.

Have you Been in Love: yes.

Do you want to go to College: yes.

Do you want to get Married: if it happens it happens

Do you belive in yourself: usually

Do you get Motion Sickness: yes

Do you think you are Attractive: not really

Are you a Health Freak: yes

Do you get along with your Parents: yes

Do you like Thunderstorms: i love thunderstorms

Do you play an Instrument: Piano, cello

In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: no

In the past month have you Smoked: no

In the past month have you been on Drugs: no

In the past month have you gone on a Date: No

In the past month have you gone to a Mall: yes.

In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: no

In the past month have you eaten Sushi: yes

In the past month have you been on Stage: no

In the past month have you been Dumped: no.

In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: no

In the past month have you Stolen Anything: no

Ever been Drunk: no

Ever been called a Tease: yes

Ever been Beaten up: yes

Ever Shoplifted: no

How do you want to Die: i want to jump off a really tall building, feel the rush of the wind through my hair, feel as though im flying, then as my bones splinter and shatter on impact i'll be satisfied

What do you want to be when you Grow Up: alive would be nice

What country would you most like to Visit: egypt

In a Boy/Girl..

Favourite Eye Color:  doesnt matter

Favourite Hair Color: blonds are usually hotter, but brunnettes have better personalities

Short or Long Hair: i love long hair

Height: boy has to be taller, girl i dont really care

Weight: i dont care

Best Clothing Style: not preppy.

Number of Drugs I have taken: none

Number of CDs I own: linkin park-hybrid theory, meteora, reanimation, queens of the stone age- lullabies to paralyze, muse-absolution (or something), avril lavigne-let go, busted, evanescance- fallen, and quite a bit of classical stuff.

Number of Piercings: none yet

Number of Tattoos: none

Number of things in my Past I Regret: most of the crazy stuff ive done where guys have been involved.

there are no words to describe how im feeling right now. i cant believe matt says he still loves me

FUCKING HELL

does he enjoy breaking my heart and pouring salt in the wound? or is he just not thinking.

i'll post a more detailed explaination later.

i need food.

well, i stayed home today. which was fun. i dont particularly feel sick, but i wanted a down day. i was so tired this morning i just curled up and went back to sleep after my alarm went off.

i missed a french quiz, but i can make that up in 10 minutes flat, so im not worried. i mostly had presentations today, so i didnt see much point in going to school.

i hope matt doesnt decide to kill himself or anything. thats just the kind of stupid thing he would do, too.

grrrrr.....

MATTHEW IF YOU DO ANYTHING I WILL NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN

that child can be so stubborn and melo-dramatic sometimes.

i hate myself. i act like a dramatic thirteen year old. grrrrr.....pisses me off........

i wish i hadnt gotten mad at matt. i mean, its not like we were going out or anything. i cant control his life.

i am such an idiot.

oh well, he hates me know.

shame. he was a great friend to have.

i hope he does end up finding someone better than me. as a friend, im ok, but as anything else i totally suck completely.

SORRY MATI

damn. he better at least pretend to be my friend, if anything.

HEY MATT, YOU STILL WANT TO BE MY FRIEND? OR DO YOU HATE ME NOW?

i bet he hates me. grrrrr.......

i wish he would have asked me out before though. i was waiting for ages. then he's all like, "i agree with my mom that we live too far away from each other to have a real relationship". after that i basically stopped beileving him when he said he loved me. i loved him though. a little more than i should have, probably. but, if he wasnt willing to consent to a proper relationship thats his business. not mine.

well, so concludes another pointless, unmemorable day of my life.

someone let the cat in. now i am the unhappy occupant of body with an allergic reaction. which itches. my legs, my arms, my neck.......sigh.......the saga continues.

morgan is enjoyable. i love being with her (only not in that sense).......mostly because she is so unpredictable and i can be myself around her.

as to matt, well, things are hard to explain. i think he wanted a reason last night that i couldnt supply at the time in question. and, actually, i still cant tell him. oh well. its kinda personal anyway.

damn. i hate this time of month. firiggin femininity

ips......yay....

...great. harry got sent to the principals office again. making it the what, fourth time? ive lost track. at least he didnt get an iss. that would have been fun to explain to my mother upon her return. the school called our house looking for her, and the phone conversation went something like, "no, shes not here......shes not even in the country right now......no i dont know where my dad is........i dont know his number....bye".

dumb people that expect me to remember phone numbers.......

im worried that jesse or nathan will ask me out......i mean, i like them as friends and all, but i really dont want another relationship just yet.......only problem is that i'll have to let them down gently....gar. being a girl is such a pain.

and speaking of pain.......i got 12 out of 20 on my geometry quiz. but, fortunately for me, stouffer graded it incorrectly. i dont know. he has severe trouble distinguishing between my 4/6s and 7/1. either that or he just tries to fail me. thatd figure. another mistake he made was on true/false questions. i put false, the girl behind me put true, and yet we both got the answer wrong. hmmm. i wasnt aware there was a third option.

and of course, its my quiz that he made the error on. GO FIGURE.

silly teachers.

to quote matt (and.....metallica is it? i cant remember)

kill'em all 

grrrrrr......this is so frustrating......i cant believe my mum gave my laptop away....hers doesnt have aim, or yahoo, or msn or anything, and she wont let me download them.....gar........all these people im dying to talk to but cant......

damit.

who am i? i honestly dont know. im always acting different. i hate it. i dont fit in with anyone at school except morgan, who is just like me. i mean, kaitlyn's friends are all anime freaks, libby's friends with all the anarchists/stoners, shannon's always with the smart artistic people.

i wish i could actually have a circle of friends that had the same intrests as me. i wish i knew who the fuck i was. im sick of everything. right now the only thing i feel like doing (and im being deadly serious) is skydiving.

but, since that really isnt an option, i guess im screwed. i wouldnt mind going shopping right now either. but, since neither of my parents are home, i am effectively stranded until further notice.

i hate being me. i mean, out of all the people in this world, why the hell did i have to be me? damn parents. damn genetics.

i was so pissed off at gus last night. first he calls me at 9:30 (and i was already in bed by then), then he proceeds to criticize me in every way he can. tsk. as if he has nothing better to do. then he teels me to look at his blog. so i do. he posted some stuff about me. which i read. and i dont think i remembered to reply to it. opps. anyways, he's saying one thing in his blog then tells me the complete opposite on the phone and makes me feel bad about myself. and he wonders why i dont particularly want a relationship with him at the moment?

honestly. tsk.

now ive got that off i chest i have more pressing news......a geometry test. tomorrow. WHY ME!!!!!

ok, enough with the dramatics. i must study tonight though, or i will be in mucho trouble.

carly called this afternoon. i talked to her for a while before one of my interchangeable brothers yelled at me to come for dinner. little brat. im going to put soap on his toothbrush. im going to burn his village and eat his children. im going to......hmmm....where was i? oh yes, carly. shes cool.

rock on carly

\m/  - _ o \m/

anyway. my mum's lost. shes coming home from ze airport & shes lost. quel surprise.

nyahahahahaha.

ugh. i hate cheese. i cant eat it because i'm lactose intolerant. it's disgusting anyway.

but, unfortunatley, the woman who was taking care of us made some kind of wierd casserole for dinner last night. cheese and chicken. which i also dont eat.

so now i am feeling the aftereffects. namely, headache, lack of motivation and concentration, irritation, and a runny nose.

oh well. whats done is done.

my mums home. yay.

apparently she went to a gangster bar in dublin that was owned by her best friends brother and they kept pointing out mobsters to her and stuff. wierd.

the IRA have a new spokesperson now too. he's a seventh-day-adventist-pastor-turned-terrorist that supposedly dedicated me. which is slightly creepy.

ah well. t'was all for the best i guess. i hope he doesnt get shot too soon.....

nathan asked me out on friday. hes so sweet. i hate breaking his heart like this.

damnit.

we had the year book signing thing and nathan followed me around the whole time. we went & flew kites, but in the end we tied the kite to a bit of grass and ran up and down the field with no shoes on and had a grass fight. that kid is so shy though.

next weekend we'll get together & see a movie or something.

idk.....guilty conscience

grrrr...someone was trying to get onto my account while i was talking to carly and it logged me out. thats so aggravating....

sigh. i wrote matt a really angry email. idk, i stayed up too late last night and ive been crabby all day. that still isnt an excuse though.

i wish he would stop being all cheery about the fact that im going out with nathan, i mean, come on, im not a 13-year old, and hes not my first boyfriend. i feel like im being patronized. which im probably not. i think im paranoid and complicated (for all you Garbage fans out there).

also, matt keeps telling me that if i want to stop seeing nathan i have to tell him first and explain why and all that jazz.

"i dont want him to go through what i did". yeah, cry me a river matt.

you said you loved me but you treated me like shit. when you really love someone you dont critisize and argue every point they make, every word they say. you dont tell them that you're smarter than them, even if you are. you dont always want to make out with them whenever you see them, because you should love them for who they are, not for what they look like or what they can with their tongue. you respect them by not making out with their best friend because you know that it will hurt their feelings in some way.

as a friend, matthew is great. honestly. he's cool, funny, willing to argue anytime. which is good for a friend, just not a boyfriend. i hope his precious amanda realizes that. 

well, i am feeling remarkably chirpy  at the moment.

i have been eating walnuts like crazy today. they're supposed to be natural mood-enhancers.

i went on a date with nathan yesterday. hes so sweet.

i attempted to superglue some kid to his chair today.

its so hot today. i hate having to wear clothes to school. i never wear shorts to school and i hate wearing skirts, so most of the time i slowly cook to death. its awful.

but anyways. i hung out with morgan and nathan today. it was ok. morgan and i climbed the wire fence surrounding the baseball thingy. then we all rolled down the hill and threw shoes at each other, which was a bit spontaneous, but incredibly fun.

the tests i took today were amusing. french was no problem, science was a bit of a challenge, and gym......well, lets not go there.....

oh my gosh. that kid is so screwed up. he actually believes that its better to make out with a ton of girls then actually have a meaningful relationship with them.......hehehe.....i hope he gets raped.......he needs to come down to earth and realize that not all girls are willing to just have sex/make out with him.

and just in case he deletes the reply i posted, i saved it and will gladly post it on my blog for the world to see, because he really needs to be put down a couple of times.

well, well, well........

according to gus i need an idiot as a boyfriend. rofl....here's exactly what he posted :

rofl.....man, ive just been pissing everyone off lately.....

....if i need an idiot, gus needs a meretricious dumb blonde that's too stupid to know he's full of misconstrued ideas, concepts, and propaganda-induced bullshit.

he needs a chick that's willing to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. he wants someone with no conscience, no sense of whats right or wrong, and no morals.

one party

one vigorous attempt to do "the worm" on andrew miller's basement floor.

one forgotten phonecall

one lost and angry mother

two amused teenage girls

one girl dropped home

one girl driven home then left

one mother that leaves

one girl that pulls an all-night movie marathon including MI 1 & 2, and back to the future

two extremely sore arms from aforementioned attempts of "the worm"

one mother that decides to go canoeing

three children that capsize their canoe

one abandons the others and heads for the shoe

one flails about wildly

one tries to save aforementioned canoe before it sinks

one lost pair of glasses

one cross mother

one wet drive home

one mention about what fun it all was from the mother

one icy look from the shortsighted daughter who can hardly see, due to the loss of aforementioned glasses

one interesting day

im sleeping over at kaitlyns tonight, which im excited about as i havent properly spoken to her in ages.

campmeeting's looming up on the horizon, but i really cant be bothered going to it. i'll probably go up there for the day or something on the weekend. its a shame, really, because i have a lot of friends up there i'd like to see, but circumstances have intervened, so nothing doing.

my mum was so mad at me on saturady night for not calling her to tell andrew's party was going to end later than expected. i rang her and she immediately said "its about bloody time, alex. im fucking furious at you for not fucking ringing earlier". she had been planning on going out as soon as she picked me and kaitlyn up, but i didnt call until about midnight. not good. plus she didnt know where andrew miller lived. so liz and i got our things, thanked andrew, and ran outside, where we proceeded to slowly walk back the way we came. eventually she found us, and went and dropped kaitlyn off. then her and i proceeded back home, where, to my surprise, she dropped me off, then left again, no doubt to go frequent her usual haunts. hmm. i didnt expect her back for a while, so i splashed water on my face to cool down, then informed tyler i was going downstairs to watch a movie. being the 13year old pest that he can be, he insisted on accompying me. he made it through one movie before dozing off, while i continued on to watch another two movies, and stay up the rest of the night. fun stuff.

as for the canoeing incident, weel lets just say i now that my sight is going to come at a cost of about 200 dollars, which i dont particularly want to pay. so im going to remain more or less blind until i choose to pay up. dang it.  

hmmmm....that child really needs to realize that there is more to life than making out with "at least three different girls". sigh. its not my business though. im getting to be as bad as tyler. damn. well, let him do whatever he wants, i hope he's happy and i rain blessings of love upon his head.

huh. that still doesnt make me feel any better.

camp meeting was certainly interesting this year. it started out pretty bad, because gus was there and i still wasnt too sure about how i felt about him (all's forgiven and forgotten now though). i got to meet amanda though, which was really cool, although she is the spitting image of one of my friends back in ireland, which is weird and kind of creepy.

i also got to meet a ton of people and catch up with my other friends, which rocked.

i ended up spending basically the whole week with a boy named drew, who's way taller and way skinnier than me, but a real nice guy. he had to leave on saturday morning unfortunately, and i was upset, considering id only known him for like 5 days. he was so cool though. he's in missouri now, with his dad, unfortunately. i miss him.

im talking to drew online right now.

now i dont really care that my shoulders are peeling, my hands are covered in white paint, and im supposed to be making dinner.

im happy.  

ahhh.....i think my dog is about to die....she's so dehydrated.....dang, too bad we never got around to shaving her. she's lying on a towel in the middle of the kitchen floor, not moving at all. poor thing.

what is it about my family that all our pets end up dying? georgina the bulldog got put down, we found seth the evil black cat dead in a stable, harry's hamster had no food or water and died despite my various attempts to give it cpr and the heimlich manouvre. all dead. figures.

animals are so hard to take care of. cats are ok because they can mostly fend for themselves, but dogs and hamsters......sigh.......if it had been our other bulldog that was dying i wouldnt mind as much.....he's fat, smelly, and no longer white.....more like an weird grey color......

my mother is going to be very naughty tonight. her boyfriend is going to a party at his ex-girlfriend's house and my mother is planning to spy on him to make sure he doesnt play up. i crawled into bed with her this morning, and we just lay there, looking at the ceiling, describing all the things we would need to make this work. she wants to go buy binoculars and a fake moustache. she's so silly. i love it. she's also going to borrow my dad's car and basically stake out the chick's place. poor crazy bipolar laura. she'll have to be locked away if she ever figures out what my mum is up to......

i get to bulldoze trees with my dear mother today. dont know how thats going to work, but whatever....

eric's wandering around my blog.......HI ERIC!!!!

"the blood is love"

I saw you, in a way
Beyond figure out
These lines of life have been drawn & can't be removed
Our eyes is all it took to know

Open up your eyes
Deep blue, glassy take
& swim 'til water & sky
Now are one, out of two
Oh, my bloodshot eyes

Open up your mouth
Touch your lips to mine
That we may make a kiss that can pierce through death & survive
Your words have branded my mind

Still i hold your hand
Wrapped as if a ring
We of flesh & blood are only carrying
It's so hard to

Well, you know

The seed waits for the reaper to sew
Every breath an art
The dignity to it can strain & break your heart
Take all your pieces home
You ask when you're alone, what is love?
The blood is love

humans are the amoeba's in the scum of the known universe. 

we have exterminated multiple species

we destroy the trees that are in effect, keeping us alive

we construct massive structures that are, for the most part, unsightly

we created machines that expound pollutants into our atmosphere

we kill our own species on a regular basis

i mean, come on, lets face it,

we all deserve to die

(some more than others.......)

well, my mother has bought her binoculars, all good in that respect...

she's such a strange little girl.

well, last night was certainly one to be remembered. some mothers take their daughters out to lunch, mine takes hers out stalking.

so, anyway, at the appropriate time we both dressed in black, grabbed the binoculars (we forgot a flashlight, unfortunately), and we drove to fort atkinson, via jefferson, as my dearest mother wanted to scope out her bf's ex-girlfriend's parents house first, because there was supposed to be a party going on or something. we couldnt find the house though. so we did the whole stop-in-front-of-random-peoples-houses-and-stare-in-their-windows-with-binoculars thing. which was immensely entertaining, but fruitless.

after some time, we decided to leave and stake out her bf's house until he came home, so that she could see if he kissed his ex-gf, who was supposed to be driving him back to his place. sadly, we missed the drop-off, which was very disappointing to my mother. but to make sure he was home we both trespassed onto some person's back garden, and my mother got me to sneak up to his bedroom window......it was thrilling.....

he was lying on his bed reading, no idea he was being watched......hehehehe...it makes you wonder who could be watching you right now........

my laptop is home now, along all my cd's. *thank you oscar*......now all that has to be done is to upload anti-virus software, and that'll be me set for the next 48 hours or so...depending on when i get hungry.....lol....

my mum hates my using her laptop, because it means im always in her room....although last night she wanted to go to bed early, so she told me to take it into the kitchen....w00t.....which is the only reason im on it this early anyway....i had a crappy sleep last night....keep waking up because of the lightning...kept having really messing up dreams....had trouble breathing because my nose is so stuffed up....i knew that cheese would come back to haunt me......gah.....i hate being L.I.......unless sharing a tent with  steph while she was sick has finnally taken its toll.......feh, what do i care anyway....

hehehe.....i never realized how pointy my nose is......thats really screwed up.......damn you amanda for bringing my nose to attention.........damnit, its so weird though.....

hmmmm...harry's eating canned peaches for lunch....what a sisk little child........ewwww...he's mixing in corn with it.............*alex puts her hand over her mouth*.........i think im about to be sick.......

spent last night at my dads........meant that i couldnt talk to drew last night *alex sobs theatrically*.....sigh.....

he gave me 20 dollars for cleaning his apartment though.....which i lost this morning....hmmm...no, wait a minute....roflmao!!! omg, i found it.........i always knew my brassiere would come in handy some day.....odd that i forgot about it though.....

i get the "pleasure" of babysitting again today.......what fun.....two and a half hours playing barbies with a six year old.....*cringes*.......oh well, it cant be worse than the time the parents were gone for about 8 hours, four of which were spent playing with those accursed plastic creations that you can never find the shoes for........i turned all of mine into voodoo dolls some years ago, once id finished with their extreme makeovers (aka, i cut their hair, dyed it, gave them piercings in way too many places and put make up on them......hehehehe...fun stuff)

well, my mother's attempting to be positive at the moment, mainly because she found out some bad news yesterday regarding the non-existing fidelity of her bf. which means that she keeps saying positive things, thinking positive things, etc...... it's slightly creepy, because most of the time she has a "dont get mad, get even" policy regarding her boyfriend....

my brothers are on a yugi-oh craze at the moment, and there's about fifty million cards strewn all over the place....hehe....little do they know that i throw their precious cards in the bin if i find them lying around......

sigh...this is really aggravating......whenever i try to IM someone it just says "the following message could not be delivered, etc..etc..." . i dont know why it's doing that....like, i'll be signed in and everything but it wont let people see what ive typed.....fucking thing....

and i have to babysit the two creepy rich kids in an hour.....for my sins.....their dad's a lawyer, and every time im over there he asks me what age i am, and when im planning on getting my license (because he's sick of driving me home)....so this time im going to bring oscar along and we're going to bike over, which should be fun.....ish...

shit shit shit........i cant IM people....wtf......this is so annoying......im going to reinstall msn...this sucks.....

drew, i want to talk to you!!!!!!!

damit.

well, ive finally found a site that condemns dairy products for what they really are...forget about milk being good for you....

www.notmilk.com 

it also mentions that cilden who were almost exclusively breast-fed when they were babies have a higher possibility of being lactose-intolerent. hmmm..... that still doesnt explain why my brothers arent allergic to milk and i am, since we were all breast-fed.....

my father decided to take us all over the weekend, leavin my mum and her bf alone at home. i know her, and i really dont want to think the worst, but i am me so what else would i do? damn my sick little mind.......

im all alone in my dad's apartment.....hmmm....im alone a lot actually....he's taken the dirty little germs to see a movie..i declined, because i cant see anything anyway.

owing to the fact that this is my dads work laptop i cant check my emails or even download msn. *curses*.....mati, consider yourself lucky, cause i was feeling crappy this morning and i was going to email you about the joys of womanhood and how lucky you are to be a guy (yes, its my time of month right now)......

if i was feeling stalkish and even more twsted than usual i would probably type "i miss drew" about 50 million times, but since i am feeling slightly sane, i think i will spare him (and myself) the embarassment. *drew, at this time you should feel loved*

ok, im so done.......

well, today i get to play cinderella. fun stuff. once again my dad has taken my brothers out somewhere, and im at home, supposed to be cleaning his apartment. damit. he pays me for it, but this morning he gave me a list of things to do that arent normally thrown into the bargain. gah. i wish i wasnt so eager to please all the time....but when it comes to my dad, i hate disappointing him in anything...

i havent talked to drew in ages, it sucks. damn. why do all the guys i like have to live so far away?...my mother keeps asking me to get a boyfriend that lives closer to home so se doesnt have to drive me for hours at a time....i kept telling her that she should be glad all my relationships are long-distance, it means there's less chance of me getting pregnant.....lol, not that'd i actually have sex anyway....ideally, i'll be a virgin until im married, because i have no particular desire to lose my virginity to the first guy that askes for it...he'd have to be extremely special to me before i'd even consider it...

hmmm.....i still have approximately 7 shirts to iron, and my dad wants me to clean his bathtub. how pleasant. to make matters worse, my cd player is out of batteries, and my father has no stereo. 

ugh. summer holidays are always so boring for me......i love being lazy, but after a while it makes me feel awful.... and tomorrow's the 4th of july, when this country declared itself independant and began its spiral into unevitable americanism.....gah.....im not going to start another of my whole "fascist arrogant egotistical materialistic america" spiels, i dont want to offend anyone just because i enjoy stereotyping america.....

may you all live long, you've prospered enough.

hehehehe......good quote.....another favorite:

"its all fun and games until an angry robot comes and destroys half your city"<-- courtesy of animation.com (i think....dont quote me on that)

damn, my nail polish is chipping....i hate that....

hehehe....my dad wants to take me shopping today....that means he'll attempt to get me to buy preppy clothes but will enevitably end by being draggd into hot topic and various other goth shops that take my fancy....and he'll pay for everyhing, unlike my mother, who forces me to pay for anything i want but dont need. which makes sense, really. but still, its not often i get treated......im going to enjoy this a lot....

hmmmmm....i really have to back to mum's house....im out of clean clothes....damn.....plus i had to use tyler's deodorent this morning *alex sniffs the air nocholantly* ....mmmmm......axe......brings back all kinds of memories *cackles evilly as she remembers the whole axe experience with morgan* ....

on a much darker note..... nathan hasnt rung me in about a week.....thats a new personal best for him....i still need to break up with him though, i refuse to date two people at the same time, that just isnt right (especially since i dont like nathan like that anyway...)

well...i have truly become americanized.....gah......for my sins, i bought some kind of weird imitation chuck taylors today.....they were cheap though, and i needed new shoes.......at least i still own my aussie jeans.....

i wont give up without a fight!!!

4th of july, americans celebrating their independence from britain and europe and their enslaval to the nation they created. well, im happy for them.

i feel so useless right now. i cant drive, i cant work, my bike is at my mom's house, ive renounced my skateboard, there's nothing to do here and my father is out jogging. fun fun fun.

in my boredom, im going to list all my favorite books, in no particular order:

the phantom of the opera

dracula

geisha, a life

the mayor of casterbridge

any patrica cornwell book

any marian keyes book

......and i cant think of any others.

damn, thats sad.  hmmmm.....computer paper....a pencil....yes! i'll draw! hehehehe....my amazing brilliance has proved itself briefly once again....

....shit..shit...shit....im such a horrible person....

nathan called me and asked if everything was alright between us....i didnt want to lie to him....i told him that i thought of him too much as a friend, and that it just wasnt working out, and that i really didnt want to hurt his feelings, and i didnt want to hurt him or make him cry....it was awful....after about two minutes he told me in a subdued voice that he had chores to do.....what a lie....i know i upset him, but i honestly didnt want to be in that realtionship any longer. it just didnt feel like i was being honest to him....even before drew, it still felt like i was dating someone i had no feelings for....he liked me so much....i feel terrible...

....stupid msn.....why the fuck wont it work.....i try to sign in and tells me that my contact list isnt available or something.....like im supposed to know what to do.....grrrrr......

*eats about 5 carrots*

ok, feeling a bit better. sigh. i miss hot and sexy drew. does anyone know how good it feels when your being held by someone that you actually care about.....pure bliss....i miss him way too much, but it cant be helped...

well, my mother has once again descended upon the house in a fit of mad hyperness and energy.....gah.....it has to be illegal to be that energetic at 6 in the evening......

...well, morgsey had a fair bit of news waiting for me when i got back *snickers a little*....you go girl, he seems like a nice bloke....too old for me though, lol.....

in other news, i finally acquired the lipstick ive been searching for *punches the air* w00t, not to mention the black&green pants i purchased after a minimal amount of searching (mayfair's hot topic is pretty large)...actually oscar wears more chains on a good day than i do, but he's always been slightly....well...unusual...i guess thats because he is the only one of my brothers that exhibits the least bit of fashion sense......

blerg. i'd ring carly, but i honestly feel too shitty to talk to anyone over the phone...id probably just end up insulting her horribly or something and she'd hate me for the rest of my little existence.....some days it's just wiser not to talk...

i really need to start going to bed earlier...its catching up with me....gah......florida in 3 days or so, i can sleep then.....

my mother brought the object of her desires back home with her again today....i thought she would have dropped him back by now....because of his head injury he's kind of weird.....after i got back from carly's both him and my mother declared that my eyes were glazed and promptly demanded if i'd done drugs, etc....

gah....i hadnt expected the spanish inquisition....but then again, nobody expects the spanish inquisition....

today was slightly hectic......went swimming, got yelled at by a watery tart barely older than me because a certain was off limits to anyone under the age of 60.....gah...then we went to home depot where my mother bought hinges, nuts & bolts, wood, etc....then back home...where i stayed for a while before heading off to my pathfinder meeting...wrote a paper on the hot and sexy walrus, fun stuff indeed...

my mother and i arent getting along very well.....she thought i was on drugs....yeah, right.... i know that im going to get into a big fight with her soon...... i really hope that it all blows over before i go to florida though...i dont want it hanging over my head....

drews being ever so sweet. sigh. i love him so much. and miss him a lot too. *grins ecstatically* hes so cool.

last night i was walking around my house with no lights on as usual and as i was going through the boys room i banged my knee on their little bedside table thing....gah....then later on that night as i was actually trying to get to bed, i did it again. same knee, only this time i drew blood.....stupid childs leaving bedside tables where i walk....feh.....

and then this morning as i was trying to sleep tyler and harry were mucking around on tylers bed and i yelled at them 5 times to stop, and warned them that if they didnt let me sleep i was going to get up and hurt them. naturally, they ignored me. so i pulled myself out of bed, elbowed harris in the back, and attempted to slap tyler. when that failed, i just kicked him. i dont like being violent, but i was so fed up of being constantly woken up.....gah.... once i had finished that, i meandered off into my mothers bed (she was already up) and crashed there. 6 seconds later my brothers storm in and demand that i be punished. a vicious yelling match ensued, in which my mother admitted that i was kinda too big to hit, and in which i informed my bros that punishing me wouldnt stop me from hurting them again...in fact i would do it just to prove them wrong.

so, my mother decided that im not allowed to sleep in thier bedroom anymore. damnit. they have a really nice room, and i put hot and sexy green sheets on the bunkbed in there just for my benefit.....well i shall be taking them back......

in addition to that, my room doesnt have a fan. and if i open the window the wind rushes in at about 45 miles an hour all the time. gah.

i still have to begin packing.....thats so annoying... last time i went to australia i ended up packing everything just before i left......and i was going for a month.....moi and my non-existant organization skills...well, florida isnt going to be too bad, plus its summer.....just toss in my swimsuit, sun screen lotion, a couple of t-shirts & tank tops, some shorts......hmmm...do i even own any shorts?...yes, i must....if not i shall use tylers and oscars (isnt that disturbing? tylers slightly taller than me, oscar and i wear the same shoe size, and all three of us can fit into each others pants).

im talking to drew online, im so happy......it sucks that im not going to be able to talk to him while im gone......which reminds me...i really must call nathan..i bet he hates me....gah.....

hahahaha, wow, i just got some really good news from someone, its put me in the best mood ever....i cant wait, its going to be so sweet.......hehehehe.....

nathan called me! i was astonished. i musnt forget to call him when i get back from florida.

he appears to be 100% ok with everything now, thanks be to god. he only settled down after i assured him that he was in that elite "good friend" categorey of mine, etc...

whew. im glad that's over now and i dont have to talk to him for a week.

and i sorted things out with my mother last night and it was very amicable. that, coupled with this mornings yelling match between me and my brothers has ensured our bond is as strong as ever. yay. i dont like feeling awkward around my mother.

...hmm....the last time this happened was in australia and tensions were already high because my mother was fighting with her mother....as a result i decided to simply stop talking because it wasnt worth the effort...i believe i lasted a week or so before my mother finally made my smile....gah..she used to make me walk with her around a nearby lake at 22o'clock in an effort to...idk...make me enthusiastic?....whatver it reason, it didnt work.

im glad im over that now. and im happy!!! yay!!! ok, well not really, im just tired, but still, its good that my mother isnt praying for my salvation any more. tsk. and she thought i was on drugs. honestly.....

well, im in florida. it not too bad, the weathers really hot and humid, although yesterday it positively stormed. it was great. ozzie and i got soaked so bad and his shoes still arent dry. neither are my bellbottoms....gah....

i also went on my first rollercoaster today. quite amusing, actually. i guess im having fun. i know its really sad, but i think about drew approximately every five minutes. i miss talking to him so much.

i talked to my mother on the phone a while ago and she had recently spoken to the person behind everything, and its all going according to schedule, so thats good...

ooooo, when do i have my next dentist appointment, i wonder?....i hope its not then......oh well, i'll work with it..

car, i hope your surviving without kristin and me, i miss talking to you

manda, i would email you babe, but this i cant get to my emails from my dads work laptop. im sorry (please dont kill me)

gus, i hate you and i think you should die....just kidding. hope its all going well for you (im too lazy to check out your blog, mati. so sue me)

eric, wassup man?

drew, i miss you like crazy. i hope you're able to sort things out with leah, i really do.

well, i have to go and relinquish my father's laptop to its rightful owner now. so, i guess it's back to watching crap on tv until my brothers get back from wherever they went. fun fun...

its so hot today. not to mention humid. i do not enjoy this commercial, lavish tourism that my father does. but in all fairness, it is his holiday, and you only get one chance to turn forty (as opposed to some people, mostly female, who have been turning 40 every year for the past 5 years or so.....cough*mum*cough.....ok, that was mean of me). if my mother and i went on a holiday anywhere we would visit every single nature reserve, museum, art exhibit, interesting monuments, etc... and we would avoid any kind of theme/water park like the plague, as we dont like to mingle with large waves of people n a regular basis. some day, im going to force my mother to go globe-trotting with me. we still have to visit czechoslavakia, egypt, turkey, greece, china, and several other places in china. (i really want to go to egypt.......*daydreaming*.....)  

im really glad i dont have any glasses right now. bad eyesight is extremely useful when staying in a hotel room with 4 persons of the male gender, all of which are predisposed to the odd bouts of nudism (except tyler. he thinks he may be going through puberty (and thats a very big "may"), so he has been quite modest of late......)

last night we went to some marine theme park thing and we basically stayed there until the park closed...we saw a show that starred some really sweet orcas, which was interesting. one of them was named shamu. what the hell kind of name is that? shamu. tsk.  

i can hear somethin outside. its either a thunderstorm, fireworks, or some homicidal maniac with a gun shooting up the place. i have my bets on the maniac....speaking of which, i havent seen harry around lately...or any of my other bros.....or my dad.....damnit....i cant remember where they're going. tsk. well thats what i get for sleeping while my father trys to tell me something...well, he cant go far, i have his keys...

did you know its illegal to not wear a seatbelt in florida? fascinating, actually......we have this weird rental car and if the driver  doesnt put on his seat belt after 5 or so minutes of the car being in motion, this irritating little beeping sound starts up and wont stop until the seatbelt gets put on......its very entertaining.....

my pinky finger on my left hand has gone numb. undoubtably because im leaning my head on it. im still determined to break one of my fingers while they're out cold.....very fun stuff indeed

im sorry it had to be that way, and knowing you and the way you deal with things, im extremely worried.

if i hear you've done anything at all, im going to be very disappointed and upset with you.

i guess it just wasnt meant to be. but look at it this way, now you have a vacancy that im sure lots of people will want to fill.

you're one of my best friends, and it's killing me to know that you're unhappy.

please dont be mad at me for writing this....and please dont kill me. or maim me (..i want to live...)...

if you feel crappy or want to harm yourself and/or others, dont hesitate to call.

i dont care if you yell at me/ insult me/ dont say anything/ etc.....

but i just would like to know that you're ok.

sometimes bad things happen to pave the way for good things.....or something....ok, that was extremely corny... now for some realism....

I WILL PERSONALLY COME DOWN THERE AND SEVER SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT TO YOU IF I HEAR THAT YOU'VE HURT YOURSELF IN ANY WAY

tsk. the things i have to do sometimes......no girl is worth that.....

today's dad's 40th.....yay....

well, they say life begins at 40, so its all good.

i just got off the phone with matthew, and he seems to be doing alright, but then again, one never can tell exactly....lol, he didnt know it was me....little tosser.....

i think my mother is worried about me, this time because she was in my room (tsk, tsk) and she came across a sabbath school lesson thing in which i'd circled something about how marriage partners should be faithful to each other (ok, mistake #1). according to her, id left it open on my desk (mistake #2). she claimed she was really cut up about it.....damnit, i felt extremely guilty. she called yesterday and did her spanish inquisition routine

"are you ok?"

"why dont you talk to me about these things, alex?"

"do you have a problem with tony?"

etc, etc.......i mumbled something about how it wasnt just her, it was dad, too, and she was like "its more your father than me".....which makes me wonder just how much i know about my father.....

....but about circling the paragraph, when i did it i was slightly upset and uncomfortable with both my mother and tony (she gave me "a talk"....car, you know about it....plus tony was pestering about me...silly child)....anyway, i glanced at it and i was like, "hmmmm...might be one to remember". i wasnt implying that i hated my mother for what she did or anything to that extent...shes worried that she's destroying our childhood or something like that...tsk...its her life, not mine. i have no real problem with her and dad dating other people, but sometimes i disapprove of some of the things they do.

anyway, in other news, i dont think im going to teen camp, owing to something else that has come up. (sorry, eric)....but, if anyone who is going feels the need to yell abuse at someone, my eldest brother will be attending. his name is tyler, but he also responds well to dumbass, tosser, toogs, and ty. he's thirteen, he has a blog: slavetodarkness ....feel free to check it out and make absurd comments.

carly, i dont care how many emails you send me, i'll read them all....eventually....lol....

WOULD U?

[_] go out with me?

[_] give me your number?

[_] kiss me?

[_] let me kiss you?

[_] watch a movie with me?

[_] would u give me head if i wanted it?

[_] let me teach u how u to drive?(if u didnt know how)

[_] cut some rug with me?

[_] go to the hot tubs with me?

[_] be my bf/gf?

[_] have a fling with me?

[_] get drunk and strip for me?

[_] take me home for the night?

[_] Would you let me sleep in your bed?

[_] have sex wit me in the car?

[_] re-post this for me to answer your questions?

[_] give me a piggyback ride?

[_] let me come sleep with u in the middle of the night if i had a nightmare?

[_] Lock me in your room and take advantage of me?

[_] lick my cheek?

[_] dance with me?

[_] make me breakfast?

[_]let me tap that ass?

[_] help me with homework?

[_] tickle me to death?

[_] let me tickle you?

[_] stick up for me if i was being put down?

[_] would u give me a hand job?

[_] play strip poker with me?

[_] say yes if i asked you out?

[_] borrow a pair of my underwear if yours for some reason got ruined?

[_] let me borrow your underwear if for some reason mine got ruined?

[_] get wasted with me?

[_] instant message me?

[_] greet me in public wit a long kiss?

[_] choose ur friends over me?

[_] bring me around your friends and flirt with me?

D0 Y0U...

[_] think im cute?

[_] think im hot?

[_] get turned on by me or what i say?

[_] want to cuddle wit me?

[_] want to spend money on me?

ARE WE...

[_] aquintences?

[_] friends?

[_] in a relationship?

[_] gonna have kids?

AM i...

[_] smart?

[_] cute?

[_] funny?

[_] cool?

[_] loveable?

[_] adorable?

[_] compassionate?

 [_] annoying?

[_] great to be with?

[_] attractive?

[_] mean?

[_] odd?

HAVE Y0U EVER...

[_] thought about me?

[_] thought bout a future with me?

[_] thought about fightin someone over me?

[_] found yourself wanting a kiss from me?

[_] wished i were there?

[_] wanted to grabbed me?

[_] had a crush on me?

[_] got a tingly feeling by me or something i said?

[_] wanted to have phone sex with me?

[_] had a dream about me?

[_] been distracted by me?

ARE Y0U...

[_] in love with me?

[_] gonna cry if i died?

[_] missing me?

[_] thinkin bout me?

[_] going to repost this so that i will return the favor?

rofl.....just remembering when drew was asking his mother if andrew and i could eat over and he was like, "could andy and...errr...that come over for dinner"......*wipes tears of laughter from her eyes* heeheehee......that was so funny....

ok...i think my heart rate has almost returned to normal....lol....i came to florida so unprepared. i didnt bring a brush, comb, or deodorant. i was able to borrow a comb from my dad, but deodorant.....not quite...i thought he brought axe (always a favorite, eh morgan?), but all he has is tuscany aftershave, and while i have no problem with wearing guys deodorant, i draw the line at their aftershave.

well, i have nothing else to say, i guess

well, im in the airport right now. unlike last time, i passed security without a fault. thank goodness. i really hate havng to take my shoes off every time that bloody thing beeps......been waiting in the terminal for a while now, listening to ty and harry bickering....or not, rather. i tuned them out some time ago....im listening to the one and only queen of the damned sountrack....the only thing thats keeping me sound right now (courtesy of liz's amazing tastes in metal)....

i hope that my mother isnt with tony when my dad drops us home.....that would really be horrible....well, i guess since we land about 10, and probably arrive home about 11.....hmmm....i might come online, if i can stay awake...idk...

hopefully they'll be boarding us soon.....followed by the obligatory 20 minute wait until the plane actually moves....hehehe.....does anyone remember the concord that crashed in paris a while back?......that was awful...especially since my mother and i were in the plane that supposed to be taking off after it...damn, was that a horrible flight....i love flying and have no problem with it, but during that flight i was so nervous...kept wondering if the same thing would happen to us...

of course, it didnt, so i was being irrational as usual. go figure.

ugh. i have been enlisted to babysit tomorrow. how perfectly horrid. luckily though, i was able to decline for friday.....hmmm....i dont remember when i have my next dentist appointment....im getting some kind of retainer thing. how fun.

harry and oscar are on either side of me, bugging the hell out of me. but i cant hear them......hehehe.....all i can hear is some singer screaming in my ear, accompainied by an excellent guitar player. hmmm...cant for the life of me remember who sings this though.....

as a present for my mother i got her a wiggly wooden snake....*giggling insanely*....i didnt want to get her anything, but my dad made me feel guilty, so naturally i chose the snake.....it was cheap, and it looked so sexy i couldnt help it....*repeats giggling, followed by wierd looks from each brother in turn*

ugh. last night our plane had to stop at detroit because of a cancellation of another flight. after which they got everybody off board, for the unique purpose of loading everybody up again, because they needed a head count (apparently air hostesses lack the ability to count....). we finally landed at about midnight, followed by a 40 minute drive home. positively delightful, indeed.

on the flight to milwaukee my father and i had a very in-depth conversation about the sex life of all his close personal friends....im not even going to go there......

then, we turned to the subject of my fathers newly acquired (or so i thought) relationship......and apparently he has been involved with her since january.... men are such insects.... then this morning i talked with my mother about the whole thing and she informed me that my father lied to me, hes been with the woman a lot longer than that......

to tell the truth, i am deeply hurt. sometimes i get the feeling that my entire family is spiralling out of control, and that im the only one that realizes it...my brothers know nothing about my dads "co-worker", and although they are aware of tony, my mother informs them that he is "just a friend"......

theres a storm outside. pouring rain, thunder, lightning. sigh. it basically reflects what im feeling right now. mostly greyness, with a bit of resentment, and a sprinkle of acute loneliness.......ugh....

damn my parents

i have nothing to say.

all dentists should be shot.....i am acutely feeling the pain of this dumb "appliance" (as they say) in my mouth......fucking retards.... the chick was jamming it in so fucking hard...really wasnt necessary....

this morning i was weeding when it started bucketing down.....the only reason i went back up to the house was because i didnt really want to get struck by lightning, which was highly likely, seeing as i was standing in the middly of nowhere with a shovel.......anyway, i got drenched, and wandered into my mothers bedroom and tryed to ignore the fact that tony's hand was near my mother's......ahem......she took one look at me and was like. "shower. now."......so i obeyed the letter of the law, if not the spirit.....i couldnt be bothered taking my clothes off, so i just had a shower with them on.....

im quite excited about upcoming events. needless to say, im totally unprepared for them, as usual.....gah....im going to have to get up early......ugh.....

last weekend was fun. after pestering dustin for a day we went to meet drew at the airport....*starts laughing*...that was highly entertaining....he had no idea i was gonna be there....poor baby.....

but for something really ironic, on friday night drew's mother was like "you should talk to drew on his computer"....hehehe...so i did....i was laughing my head off the entire time, unsurprisingly...i found it highly entertaining.

drew has a poster of carmen elektra on his wall.....im not even going to comment on that one.....tsk tsk, naughty child.

1. Pick a band and answer only using the band's song titles: queens of the stone age

2. Are you male or female: i was a teenage hand model

3. Describe how you feel about yourself: better living through chemistry

4. Your best piece of advice: the sky is falling

5. Describe your last relationship: a song for the deaf 

6. Describe your current crush: in my head

7. Say something to someone you have a crush on: you gotta killer scene there, man...

8. Say something to an ex: quick and to the pointless

9. Say something to someone you hurt severly: everybody knows that you are insane

10. How do you feel right now: in the fade

i slept over at carly's last night....it was great to be out of the house for a bit...my mother has taken to questioning me at every possible oportunity..."alex, is it me? why wont you talk to me? you need to tell me if you have a problem". ive taken to not talking to my parents anymore unless i have to...idk, i have nothing to say to either of them, really....and im so sick and tired of being happy all the time around the house...for fucks sake people, sometimes i just want to be sullen and silent.....ugh....

im listening to shanes cd. hysteria makes me feel better.....its soothing, i guess....sigh.

this morning when carly dropped me home we walked into my kitchen to find tony standing there in all his boxered glory. sigh. i didnt care...i was worried car might have a problem with it, but she didnt. she's cool like that.

shes going to madison today. she wants me to email her, so i shall...eventually....

i have a lot to do today. weeding, babysitting, an essay to write (ugh)....and tomorrow im going to stay at my dads apartment. he wont be there, but i want to get away from everything for a while....plus he wants me to clean his place for 20 bucks. easy money, so i couldnt really refuse.

and today i think i shall actually stay at katherines house until her parents pay me the money they owe me....i hate talking to people i dont know well...im a lot like morgan in that respect...hate using the telephone....

i miss drew a lot. its like a constant ache. sigh.

1. Pick a band and answer only using the band's song titles: Muse

2. Are you male or female: Screenager

3. Describe how you feel about yourself: Falling down

4. Your best piece of advice: Time is running out

5. Describe your last relationship: Hysteria

6. Describe your current crush: Bliss

7. Say something to someone you have a crush on: Falling away with you

8. Say something to an ex: Overdue

9. Say something to someone you hurt severly: Unintended

10. How do you feel right now: Dead star

i need help so badly it scares me

 my dad just informed me that our dog is dead. and my mother wasnt planning on telling me. she was going to wait until one of us found out. how nice. i burst into tears when i heard, and my father was slightly disturbed by the unexpected display of emotion. so i basically hung up on him.

because drew was online i went all emo on him (so sorry about that). it was either him or carly, but carly has been putting up with my shit for so long i really didnt think it was fair to burden her with one more detail of my fucking issues.

i am such a mess. i really need to get myself sorted. maybe i should go see my mothers shrink so i have someone to yell abuse at once a week while wasting my fathers money at the same time. fucking tosser.

J'ai longtemps parcouru son corps
Effleuré cent fois son visage
J'ai trouvé de l'or
Et même quelques étoiles
En essuyant ses larmes
J'ai appris par coeur
La pureté de ses formes
Parfois, je les dessine encore
Elle fait partie de moi

{Refrain:}
Je veux juste une dernière danse
Avant l'ombre et l'indifférence
Un vertige puis le silence
Je veux juste une dernière danse

Je l'ai connue trop tôt
Mais c'est pas d'ma faute
La flèche a traversé ma peau
C'est une douleur qui se garde
Qui fait plus de bien que de mal
Mais je connais l'histoire
Il est déjà trop tard
Dans son regard
On peut apercevoir
Qu'elle se prépare
Au long voyage

{au Refrain}

Je peux mourir demain
Mais ça n'change rien
J'ai reçu de ses mains
Le bonheur ancré dans mon âme
C 'est même trop pour un seul homme
Je l'ai vue partir, sans rien dire
Fallait seulement qu'elle respire
Merci d'avoir enchanté ma vie

{au Refrain}

J'ai longtemps parcouru son corps
Effleuré cent fois son visage
J'ai trouvé de l'or
Et même quelques étoiles
En essuyant ses larmes
J'ai appris par coeur
La pureté de ses formes
Parfois, je les dessine encore
Elle fait partie de moi

Une dernière danse.

is their anything more awful than watching cartoon network non-stop?...i dont think so...i really dont know what my brothers see in it...

ugh. nothing to do today at all....i'd walk down to the shops and buy a bunch of stuff i dont need but i forgot my sexy wallet..and my cell phone, damnit.

oh yes, my father had a little one-on-one with me last night....and wasnt that interesting....tyler and he decided to hold me down and examine my body for any kind of lacerations..ugh, not fun...my dad said that the next time i feel like im not getting any attention from my mother that i should write a message in lipstick on her bathroom mirror. personally, i think thats a great idea. maybe she'll ground me again. hahahaha, im such a messed up child.

...................insane rainbow butt monkey aliens...............................

ugh, i would love to do something productive, but what? theres absolutely nothing to do but clean...and whats just a tad too productive...dont want to over-do it.....

i miss drew so much. hes so much fun to be around....he makes me very happy :) ....hahahaha.....an obsession, but a highly enjoyable one indeed....

Alexandra, your Life Path of 6 ...

You have a deep love and concern for your fellow humans and are at your happiest when you feel yourself to be in the service of others. You are a supportive and self-sacrificing and a friend to all. You intuitively know how to cheer or heal others who are in a crisis. You also have a swift, analytical mind, dexterity and a lot more faith and courage than is often demonstrated by the other numbers. For this reason, many of you end up being doctors, nurses, fire-fighters, policeman, politicians, lawyers, crisis line workers, counselors and any occupation that involves empathy, skill or bravery.

Your life path is often filled with responsibility, but the difference between you and other people is that you are happy to take it on. You are a sympathetic and kind person and skilled in the arts of diplomacy and leadership. Many of you are born with an innate wisdom about what others need to survive and thrive. You easily earn the devotion and respect of others and are destined to become a pillar of your community.

Like most sixes, you probably were some kind of child prodigy in one subject area. You probably seemed to be wise beyond your years and may have accelerated grades or entered university early. Furthering your education is likely to be a theme that is important to you your entire life. This is because your brilliant mind is always looking for ways to enhance the quality of your life.

Another mark of the number 6 child is that he or she tends to connect very well with adults and have full, intelligent conversations even at a very young age.

You often marry early and the cornerstones of your life are family, religion, philanthropy and compassion. Your relationship with your partner is often destined to be a permanent loving one that survives all obstacles. You may also have an extraordinary talent for dealing with children, teens and the elderly.

You have very few flaws, but one of them might be a tendency to meddle in or fix other people's lives. Also your willingness to excel to please high-ups may look like brown nosing to others. As you are often very successful compared to others, you might also experience a lot of jealousy and envy from those who just don't see how good-hearted you really are.

As you are so self-sacrificing you are also in danger of working yourself to the point of exhaustion. One of your life path lessons is to remember to care for yourself as much as you care for others.

Another one of your life challenges is to make sure that you don't take on more than you can chew as this might force you to break promises that you would rather keep. You are a soft touch, so you are also at the risk of being taking advantage by individuals who might see your kindness as the mark of a fool. However your traditional approach to life along with it's ethics and moral values usually serves you well.

Being one of the most domestic numbers, your family and extended family is probably the center of your life. You are very realistic in your approach to money and career and often have the intelligence and foresight to build a small fortune. This financial savvy is good because number six's tend to have large broods or spend many years of their life supporting parents or other relatives

Alexandra, your Expression of 9 ...
Your Potential Natural Talents and Abilities

The ultimate height of your personal expression in life is the chance to offer to others. You are spiritual in a very practical way and others are often drawn to your empathy and compassion. You work well with people of all ages but you particularly delight in inspiring creativity in children and young adults. For this reason you make a fantastic teacher, counselor or psychologist.

Others trust you implicitly because you are so kind, considerate and consistent. You are often the one that is still there when everyone else has abandoned someone for being a "lost cause." You are an extremely loyal and dependable friend.

You are a very intuitive individual who is deeply connected to others in a spiritual way. Many nines are prophets, healers and psychics. If you are not psychic then at the very least you are deeply drawn to studying matters of the occult or religion in some way. As you are so driven by your intuition, you are not often found in a day job but rather in an occupation that allows you to go where your heart leads you.

As others don't understand your idealism you might suffer a great deal of skepticism or criticism in your life. While very young you may have learned to cloak your personality in eccentricity so that others don't take you seriously. You may have also gained a great deal of weight or developed a disability that gives you the excuse not to have march in step with the mass population. Often these illnesses and personal problems exist in order to eventually to jumpstart a leap on the spiritual path to enlightenment. Your trials and troubles often eventually qualify you as a "wounded healer" by the end of your life.

You are very concerned with the issue of how to express unconditional love. This is a very troubling concept for you as it is difficult for you to accept that one could love another so much and get no cosmic reward in return. It is often part of a number nine's life expression path to be stuck with a difficult soul mate or experience a lot of rejection. This is the universe's way of forcing you to connect with others on a spiritual way rather in a way that is lustful or possessive.

Love is the most important thing in the world to you but you often have problems finding a soul mate. Many nines do not make good parents because they are too driven by impulse to be a consistent presence in a child's Your partner or lover may also find you frustrating because you live so much in the present and rarely think of the future.

You are very warm and friendly and almost all that meet you are immediately impressed by your gentle and kind personality. As the last thing anyone could ever call you is shallow, you sometimes don't pay that much attention to your personal appearance. Also putting other's priorities ahead of your own often leads to a great deal of self-sacrifice. One of your challenges is to make sure that you take time out to take care of yourself and your surroundings.

Creativity and art mean a great deal to you and many of you are great poets, musicians and artists. Art is an ideal way for you to express your love of harmony and the divine order of the universe.

Alexandra, your Soul Urge of 3 ...

What You Desire To Be, To Have, and To Do In Your Life

Your soul urge is about the cultivation and expression of your personality. Usually this energy manifests as a great achievement in the theatrical or artistic world. You shine at any kind of activity that involves public performance including acting, singing or politics. In fact, you love performing so much that you would do it for free. Exhibiting your talents is second nature for you although many of you also develop lucrative careers from doing so as well.

If your talents are not developed it seems that your unique soul urge may also manifest itself in lesser ways such as the development of a beautiful speaking voice, a distinctive way of dressing or a talent for being the perfect host or hostess. You don't necessarily care who or how many people you make an impact on. If an opportunity presents itself where you can be the center of attention than you will take advantage of it.

Perhaps your biggest asset is your rich imagination. This is your inner treasure chest from which you find the solutions to all of your problems and every body else's as well. You also have an incredible knack for story telling and mesmerizing others with your tales. You adore the innocence of chlordane and nothing makes your heart happier than the sound of a child's laughter.

However your tendency towards non-stop chatter sometimes works against you as others perceive it as self-centered or a way of stealing focus. . Also you are so clever with words that it may be hard for others to ever win an argument with you or even get a word in edgewise. As a result, you may often be left behind or not invited to engage in discussion at all.

You really don't handle rejection well and if you can't get the approval you crave you have a natural tendency to retreat into your own little world. Isolation is very unhealthy for you, as your imagination tends to distort situations and create paranoia and suspicion where it need not exist. Rather than sulk about a professional or relationship set back your best course of action is to pick yourself up and try again. If depression still persists then you need to throw a pail of cold water over your burning ego by going out and doing a deliberate act of charity or philanthropy for those who are less fortunate than you do. Only this will truly serve the higher calling of your soul and have you viewing the world through rose colored glasses again.

A great sense of humor is also one of your greatest assets and if you were a doctor you would heal by helping others to "laugh themselves well." You can't bear pessimistic people or persons that take life too seriously and will go to great lengths to lighten up sober types up. A drawback of this is that sometimes others perceive you as saying inappropriate things or not respecting the belief or wishes of another. One of your challenges in life is to recognize that there is a critic in every crowd.

However, no critic could ever be as hard on you as you are with yourself. As you are a perfectionist and a master of timing and delivery, you take it very hard if for some reason you miss an opportunity. This is because you set standards and expectations of yourself that are very high. It is hard for you to realize that your low are most other people's highs and that the best remedy for feelings of failure is to count your blessings.

Chicago was as highly entertaining as ever....dad managed to get the battery in my cell phone replaced so i kept calling my mother repetively for the hell of it. according to her, a certian woman who shall not be named doesnt want her to come to church anymore, and also claims that ever since she started bringing tony, "a dark cloud has descended"...yeah right. if there is any cloud, it came a long time before my mother did, thats for sure.

personally, im outraged that the woman would dare do that. she is so judgemental and righteous that it astounds me. in addition to that, if my ma is expulsed from the sda church, what the hell would me and my brothers do? they already dont have a particularly good relationship with the lord, and i know mine is somewhat lacking too, but going to church is basically the only thing that keeps me sane....(hehehe, as scott would say "galations 5, dude, galations 5" ) ......

damn, got a bti sidetracked there....what was i saying?..oh yeah, chicago. wandered around in Lords&Taylors for a while, silently mocking all the outrageously expensive and postively horrid clothes....until, that is, i reached the lingerie department and found their clearance rack. got a great deal on some stuff, too. after that i drifted here and there.....went into virgin records, they have a whole section dedicated to gay pride (carly, you would have loved it. they had some really cool clothes there), and nearly fainted when i wandered into their uk import section and saw a Busted cd.....sigh....havent listened to them since about '99...twas great...

i got back on friday, but my father decided to keep me in his scaly talons, and played 9 holes with me before sundown (rofl, gus, speaking of which, got a funny story to tell you later)...then we got chinese and vegged out at his place...

then, at 8:30 on saturday my ma calls and informs me that our pathfinder group is supposed to be taking the church service....ugh...so i give her instructions as to wear to find my shirt, sash, black skirt, and 3 inch black lace-up boots. she also informs me that she isnt feeling well, and wont be attending the service. which means that my dad has the honor of rushing to and from her house to collect my stuff and the odd brother or two. i get to change in the car. what fun. when we reach church, carol is conducting some kind of outdoor sabbath school lesson....or at least she would have had there actually been anyone there....and then my dad went and parked right beside her...ugh...i crawled out the opposite door so i wouldnt have to talk to her...tosser. i dont like her at all...

so, yes, my tale of horrible woe ends there. except it hasnt really been all that woeful, i guess.

\m/ O_o \m/ 

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I
wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.



repost this if you belive homophobia is wrong

shopping in chicago with my mother for 5 hours. a lot of fun. we went to the fetish store where she got one of her vinyl skirts.....twas kind of bad because it was an adult store, but they didnt card me...oh well. they had all nice leather/vinyl gear, and, as a latest addition, rubber shirts. very nice stuff indeed... we also visited a huge store with tons of steel-toed boots with studs and buckles and all that jazz..it also had an army surplus, which was great. then we headed over to the gay side of town, where one could find huge rainbow pride banners strewn everywhere...it was kind of cute, actually. we then proceeded to attempt to locate the tranny shop my mother went to last time she was there......she ended up asking some boys working in a mens shop (very pretty boys indeed...) anyway, we found it, and then the fun really begin. my mum and i tried on various wigs, my favorite being a short dark blue one, and we admired all the thigh-high heels made especially for men, and the boas, and one-pieces, and the dresses, and the excentric hats....trans ppl are so amusing... we found this one store that sold tons of emily the strange stuff....i like it all but i would never wear it....then i found this black victorian dress.....it was so gorgeous. i tried it on, but unfortunately it was a little too big.....sigh...so unfair, i never see that kind of dress anywhere, no matter how hard i try...... anyway, my mum wanted to take me to a hradcore goth shop along the same street, but it was closed....i got the name and address though, so im going to look them up later...

drew isnt here anymore......feeling lonely......

i had such a fun time with him. i love him insanely and quirkily.

ugh, i wish the room would stay in focus......

i slept in till about 10:30 this morning...had no motivation to get up

my father wants to go roller-blading, but i think if i do i'll collapse. im so dizzy.....not even funny....

dad made me drive around the neighbourhoods near his house. i didnt do so bad, but i kept stalling at the traffic lights and major junctions.....ugh...i did fine everywhere else....i was worried that id hit a parked car or a child though, as the sun was in my eyes most of the time..

i dont feel so queasy now, but my head is killing me.....im going to keep drinking water and hope it goes away. maybe then i'll be able to get a good nights sleep, last night wasnt exactly the best for that...

subject name: anthony fromader

issue: hasnt eaten, is about to go unconscious

current status: trying to escape from my mother, crying a little, wants to kill himself

solution: wait until he falls unconscious, force-feed him, keep all knives out of his way.

----------------------------------------

he locked himself in the bathroom downstairs with the lights off. after searching for few minutes, my mother and i found him. she thought hed taken a knife in with him and was about to call the cops because as much as he was pissing her off, she didnt particularly want a body on her hands. i was all for breaking the door down by force. the lock on that thing isnt exactly a deadbolt. sigh. then he sat on teh stairs for ages and sobbed. at drews request i put my head on his shoulder and sorta hugged him and told him he should feel loved.

my mum is threatening to knee him in the testicles right now. and to destroy his blood testing kit. damn. she slapped him and he's crying his eyes out because he accidentally hurt her (when they were struggling he grabbed her wrists...it didnt hurt that much but she wants to make him feel guilty.....she cant look me in the eye in case she starts laughing....damn, i can barely hold it in myself....)

he cracked though. total submission to my mother. only took 2 hours.

us clarkson girls are evil.

yay. nothing like having to babysit all day to make you appreciate the mornings.....ugh...

i would have liked to talk to drew, but somebody was still in bed.......

i have listen to bleeding mascara about 10 times this morning. despite the facts that the lyrics are quite disturbing, im very partial to that song.

i suppose i should eat breakfast soon.....gah....

..ooh, i just cant wait to play barbie dolls again....nothing i like better than pretending to be a plastic, impossibly skinny female that wears ballroom dresses on a regular basis and marries half-naked men with no real genitalia...

ugh. this is going to be a long day.

tyler. wearing a thong. i think im about to be sick.

*dry retches*

that was the most disgusting thing i have ever seen in my pitiful meaningless existence.

no, wait, my mistake. 

now he is walking around with no underwear on trying to do something to harry.......*dry retches again*.....

-----------------------

babysitting-wise, today wasnt so bad. fell asleep in katherynes bed for 2 hours. had a really messed up dream bout gus. spent an hour outside timing the child on how long she could stay upright doing a handstand.

----------------------

im going to bed at 9:30. i really need the sleep. so does someone else id like to mention *stares at drew*....

some things that prevent ppl from sleeping are the following:

-eating right before bed

-not exercising enough during the day

-being stressed out (no duh)

etc, etc, imtoolazytolookupanymorereasons.....

anyway. thats all i had to say.

I feel eyelashes on my cheek
And they lacerate my flesh
A pain so good
Put your hand in mine
Never let go
Never wake up 'cause I'm done with promises
I'm taking blood oaths
Feels likes you could kiss
My imperfections away
And I would
Stand by your side until the sun turns the sky
All the colors I see in your eyes

I'll never need to see the sun again
There's enough light in your eyes to light up our little world
So take me, take me away
Kill me slowly, I'll never be the same

I swear to you, on everything I am
And I dedicate to you all that I have
And I promise you that I will stand right by your side
Forever and always until the day I die

The bite marks on my neck never felt so good
I'm losing control and it's all that I can do
Not to blackout and fall into lust with you
Your kisses infect me
The dark gift is loving you

And I feel immortal and I want to make you feel the same
So stand by me as we incinerate
We can burn in each other's arms

something came up and i wasnt able to sleep over at liz's house, so i returned home late last night and scared my dear mother half to death because i couldnt find my key. then i couldnt find the keyhole. then i proceeded to drop my key....then to top it all off, i unlocked to wrong lock and had to start all over again. no wonder my mother was freaking out....im so glad my brother keeps his baseball bat outside....

i had a very sad dream last night. i was looking for someone important to me and i couldnt find them anywhere. when i woke up i was clutching a pillow to my chest (although there was a good reason for that). my fan is so noisy, it makes it hard to unwind. sigh.

........talk about something disturblingly weird.....

im talking to one of my acquaintences in the emerald isle, and she claims to know a girl named alex who's dating a boy named drew......

now tell me that isnt just a little bit quirky....

i want to write, but i dont know what to say.

so, for a serious lack of a better topic, i guess i shall have to pay my respects to matthew and his tormented love life. i dont understand how he can so fleetingly fall in love with multiple girls. and then be so undecided about which one to choose. almost as if he feels pressured to pick one of them. because there's always an option d & e. but he seems to have erased them from his mental test.....

i recently found myself in a similar dilema, but fortunately those other options didnt apply to me...i just dropped two candidates and stayed with the one i felt most comfortable with and had more of a connection to. :) .......

i find the whole picking and choosing part of dating both amusing and tiring....whenever i find a guy i like he's usually either taken/ a jerk/ has commitment issues/ etc/ yada yada yada.......but i have to admit, not only was drew an excellent find (and i take my hat off to andy for that), but hes possibly the nicest boyfriend i have had yet....he treats me very well and although hes young he acts a lot more maturally than most guys his age (especially if tyler is anything to go by). when im with him it just feels like ive known him forever.....my knight in shining armor, lol.....

hehehe, i hate to admit it, but im a lot like my mother when it comes to the opposite sex... although im happy to say my mother is more sadistic than i am...i enjoy inflicting pain, but when it comes to someone that i really love i dont particularly want to hurt them....whereas she has no problem at all with that...as we both discovered on friday when we took it upon ourselves to epi-lady tony's legs (after which i did mine, so they are very smooth and very hair-free right now)...shes a demon when it comes to inflicting pain..*stifles a grin*...poor tony, his big toe was twitching so badly.....*cant resist, starts laughing*

*finally calms down*

when i was dining with my mother and tony at The Gathering on friday night (i love the name of that place.....The Gathering....so macabre and morbid), we were discussing how cute drew is....and how pretty my mother thought he was....hear that, drew? you are pretty in a cute sort of way :D .......ok, i'll stop now...

well, the first 7 hours and 10 minutes of hell are finally at their end. it wasnt as bad this year though, undoubtably because this is the first time in 3 years that i havent changed schools. despite my crappy vision, i found everything pretty much a-ok. as for my teachers, well, the majority of them seem to be alright, but two of them unfotunately are hands-on learners (i learn through hearing/visually)....so hopefully i'll be able to pull through all that fun crap. i finally have a french teacher thats totally fluent in french though, which is great.

according to my calculations, we have to spend an average of 1, 278 hours in school each year. sigh. but, one positive thing about this year: the tech class im taking. its going to be extrememly challenging, but i think i'll be able to scrape though it. plus greg is in that class, and he said he would help me if i needed it. which is good, because im sure i will need it.

ugh...i have homework already. its so depressing. luckily though, it's all going to be pretty easy. 4 pages of algebra (piece of cake, i love algebra), translate a paragraph for french (no problem there), and i need to collect a few signatures from my mother and i'll be done.

test on tuesday. my hands are sore from all the acid burns ive managed to acheive while stripping paint. and nathan is still a problem. speaking of which......

he has the same lunch hour as yours truly. and as if that wasnt already an issue, it turns out all his classes are in the same vicinity as mine. and he has every intention of walking with me between them. and eating lunch with me...add that to the fact that hes on my bus and thats a whole lot of nathan. i realize that hes upset because his family members are dropping like flies, but i still dont think he has any right to come up behind and sniff me, on the pretense that i "smell nice"....it just isnt on....plus it kind of disturbs me, because i have never met someone as stalkerish as myself, and its creeping me out....hes like the zombie that will not die, not matter how many times i shoot at him. i like him a lot as a brother, and i value his friendship, but i do not want to have any sort of sexual relationship with him. ever. again. hes a nice boy, the perfect gentleman, but he just doesnt feel right. i havent had the heart to tell him im dating someone else, especially not now when hes upset about his family.....i just want him to leave me be, though. i draw the line at friends. thats it. its over. take a bow......but he just wont stay away....he wont leave me be....its driving me mad.........i cant take 180 days of him telling me i smell nice, or following me in the hallways, or coming up behind me while im at my locker, or almost sitting with me on the bus, or watching me eat lunch.......*alex is almost hysterical at this point*.............

ok, ok.....i need to calm down. he is not stalking me. *breathes deeply*.....he knows where i live, which is even more disturbing.....calming down......*takes another breath*.....ok, im calm....i wish i didnt feel sorry for him, but i do. i dont want his feelings to be hurt, hes gone through enough....he only has 2 family members left now.....im sorry for him....i have come to the conclusion that that is the only reason i went out with him in the first place. heaven knows i didnt feel ready for another relationship that soon after matthew......i didnt want the commitment...i wanted some degree of freedom, safe in the knowledge that i wouldnt have to spend another night crying over some guy. but nathan likes me. ugh.waaaay to much for his own good. but he cant have me ever again, because i dont want to date him. it simply isnt an option. he can be as friendly (or stalkerish) as he likes, it wont work. im just too happy the way i am. besides, nathan just felt wrong. when i kissed him, it felt like i was kissing my brother. which, as im sure most of you would agree, is not a very pleasant thought. in fact, i think im going to be sick just thinking about it. after that point i just knew it wasnt going to work out.

now drew, on the other hand, is the complete opposite. being with him feels like the most natural thing in the world. when he hugs me, i feel extremely peaceful and safe. and when i kiss him...well, words just dont quite cut it..................

i cant sleep. i tried and tried, but i have resigned myself to a night of insomnia. my mind refuses to shut down, unfortunately. good thing there's no school tomorrow.

sigh. so what on earth happened tonight? one minute everything was going so nicely, the next it all fell apart.

it turns out someone wasnt very honest with me. and for whatever reason he suddenly decided to tell me tonight.

that was mistake number 1. bad timing. you do not tell an ex-girlfriend that you stopped loving her about 2 months after you got together when shes already stressed out from school and family. it wasnt the brightest thing to do, but couldnt really be helped.

personally i wish he had left me my rose-tinted view of the past (although it was more of a greenish-tinted view, but im not picky). i do not take kindly to being used as some person thats there for the sole purpose of the other persons pleasure.

i was watching a movie with my mother then he took it upon himself to tell me, and when my mother looked at me i had to pretend i was rubbing my eyes so that she wouldnt see me crying.

he isnt worth crying over though. i hope hes happy in his own little way, but my heart is so battered from him. no matter what he does, i always seem affected by it, intentionally or not.

i'll get over it this time as always, but i dont think i'll be able to trust him as easily as i once did.  

drunkedness 17....whoops. nothing like a bit of mad train wine to get ya going....unfortunately im unable to do anything more tonight, im in too much of a drunken stupor.....already lost 10 meat and 3 sarcasm, damnit.....

well, better luck tomorrow i guess

considering this subject seems to be a topic of interest for some people, i took it upon myself to reflect on my views. since theres no way i am ever going to be able to vote (and even if i had that happy power, i still wouldnt), i decided to plagerize a few things and respond to them in my own quaint little way....

Government -

the united states of america are currently in debt $7,947,600,904,730.71 (public: $4,650,047,921,473.74, government: $3,297,552,983,256.97).

Taxes - i can understand if a government needs to tax people so that it can build schools, hospitals and such....but did you know that every month about 4 billion dollars gets spent just to send more troops over to iraq?

Abortion - i love to hear guys tell everyone their ideas about abortion. it amuses me a lot. they make a few good points, but when you think about it, what do they really know? they do not have ovaries, or a womb, or any of the things that can make women so emphathic and sympathic when it comes to the abortion subject. a lot of people are quick to judge women that have had abortions, but they just have no idea of what tremendous stress being inadvertedly pregant can be.

80% of women in the u.s.a. having abortions are over 18, and 78% of them are umarried. About half of all american women will end up having an abortion at least once in their lifetime.

Gay Marriage-

as stated in Leviticus 20:13 : "If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them."

  it does not, however, mention marriage between people of the same sex. personally, i think that if the relationahip is based purely on love, compatibility, trust, and all the other things that hetereosexual couples have, as opposed to what goes on behind closed cloors, then i see no reason why two people shouldnt be together, regardless of their gender. lets face it, there are a lot of hetereosexuals who practice more strange things than having sex with someone of their own gender.....*mutters darkly*....hell, i know a lot of adults that have no problem with doing some very strange and unatural things.....

Gun Control - guns need to be banned, with the exception of farmers that need some form of weaponry to protect their produce from small invasive animals like foxes and what not. my mother used to live in the outback on a farm, and she would spend her days shooting birds, foxes, rabbits, and on one occasion her own dog. guns in the usa dont do anything but increase the bloodthristyness of an already violent nation.

Military Use - 

"The army is also a tool that sometimes needs to be used to help bring independence and freedom to others who so desire it."~ Gus shultz

its an interesting statement, but lets think about it for a minute or two. is the american army really an authority on what the rest of the world wants? it seems that every time the u.s. troops swoop down and free a nation from the control of a dictator, thousands of innocent people die in the process, including military personel. i really dont think gus had that in mind as he thought up that phrase. as for the others that want the independance and freedom, do we really know what they want? somehow i dont think it was a a load of dead bodies and angry rebels to deal with. i do not think america's "wise and caring leader" was thinking his plan through before he sent those troops into iraq.

well, im sure a lot of people would disagree with my views on these topics, so feel free to comment......i'll glance breifly at your posts then most likely ignore them....

ok, im just kidding....if anyone actully makes a valid point i'll be a good sport and acknowledge it

i was kind of hurt when i read drews comment on myspace, thats all. im not trying to convert him, whatever religion he wants to be is fine, i'll love him anyway.

idk, i try not to condemn his religion or his gods, so i guess i was a bit upset with what he posted........

......if ive offended anyone, im sorry......please dont hurt me.......

im posting these for the one and only reason that they are the posters that line the walls of my english classroom. just for the record.

"the cruelest lies are often told in silence" - robert louis stevenson

"truth is the most valuable thing we have. let us economize it" -mark twain

"you are all a lost generation" - gertude stein

"for of all the sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these: it might have been" - john greenleaf whittier

"because i could not stop for death, he kindly stopped for me- the carriage held just ourselves, and immortality" - emily dickinson

im so tired. i dont know what it is, but today i just feel completely drained. someones playing New Order-Crystal on their radio....i love that song. its nice to listen to when you need something calming and slightly weird. when they made the video for that song, the lead singer was quite stoned, but sang anyway. my mother thinks he's exceedly good-looking, and i would have to agree with her.

im very annoyed at nathan. i made some comment the other day about the fact that hes left-handed, and we somehow got onto the fun topic of what he does when hes alone. and that was a visual i didnt really need floating around in my head. i told him as much and he just smiled and said "oh come on alex, you know youd like to watch me", at which point i was so outraged i didnt bother saying anything, just really wanted to knee him in a very delicate spot... hes become really weird lately. but he still finds time to follow me around. but not as much, thankfully.

 i am supposed to be doing my tech homework, but i really have no motivation. i want to lie down for a while, but if i do, i dont think i'll bother getting up. 

i think i'll go on kol for a while 

religion is all based on faith. i dont know how many times ive considered leaving the church because, all of a sudden, nothing i know makes sense any more. god, our blind faith that there is life after death, that we must keep the sabbath, none of it really makes sense.

any of you ever play pretend when you were kids? make-believe scenes with complicated rules that you must follow or die? but no one did die. thats like religion. we research all these things, invent rules, and, in some cases, get threatened with hell if we neglect to obey.

hell does not exist. when the second coming does occur, only those chosen will awake for a thousand years (or is it a hundred? i cant remember). after that time, everyone else will arise, and there will be a war and so forth. at the end of the war, god will basically kill all the bad people and they will be consumed in flames. and that will be the end of it. no hell, no eternal suffering, no purgatory.

that being over with, i shall proceed with ease to my next statements, which are as follows:

1) just because drew isnt christian doesnt mean that i dont love him

2) theres really no point in trying to convert him, because it has to be his decision

3) i like apples

4) eh....ok, thats it people, im outta thoughts for tonight.......

slan go dias

i talked to him about 3 months ago. him and nate both called me from canada. he sounded so happy back then. so full of life. now hes dead. fucking dead like the rest of his family. and i cant stop crying. hes the third one thats done it. first there was the kid that lived at the end of my street. strung himself up with a tie to his closet. then my friends boyfriends sister.

FUCKING HELL DONT PEOPLE QUICKLY ENOUGH NATURALLY!?! ITS BAD ENOUGH TO HAVE FAMILY MEMBERS DIE, WHY ADD ONE MORE FUCKING BODY TO THE COUNT!?!

......why did he do it.....oh god, why?.....he was all nate had, now hes gone. and nate has nothing to live for....

i cant believe it....... its just so fucking unfair......

WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO IT?!

oh god.....

today was ok. i gave nathan a bible and in return his gave me his razor (but was unable to hide the slashes in his arm). hes coming to church with me next weekend, my mothers idea, not mine......he still follows me around the place...although since ive been hitching a ride with carly lately, his depression on the bus is not a problem....

lately ive been very fidgety. i dont know what it is, but i have an urge to just leave my house and go out somewhere.....anywhere.....to be by myself.....i really need to get my license, that way i'll be able to do it, no problem......sigh.....ive been feeling awful for the past week or so....i dont know if its something i ate, or just the fact that my lunch hour is at 10:09 and i dont eat dinner until 6....whatever it is is making me sick though....

im feeling calmer than i was last night though....i went, found my mother, sobbed hysterically for an hour or so then went to bed...then carly rang (i dont remember anything we talked about though, i was too tired/out-of-it to concentrate on what was said).....i slept for ages, had some really disturbing dreams that left me feeling screwed-up when i awoke this morning....

when i came home i talked with my mother a bit about suicide and the 12yr old that hung himself at the end of our road.....she said he'd been sniffing glue and listening to nirvana...turns out he was getting a bigger thrill from suffocation and decided to o.d.......i guess i have closure now, to some extent......i dont feel any better though.....

thinking back to a time when i were barely aware......what future had i planned for myself? i wanted to be an archeologist, history was something i loved, endulged in constantly...i didnt want to get tied down, i was going to be married to my work.....but how much more knowledgable ive become since then......the only question is, if back then i knew what i do now, would i have chosen this same path for myself? or would i do things a little differently?.........i definitely know a few incidents that could be played out a little better.....scenes that i could do well to revise, or not do at all

i managed to get my hands on a typewriter the yesterday (leftover from a church garage sale)...unfortunately, it isnt one of the stand-alone mechanic ones. its very much electric, but i dont care. i also swiped a printer, which i still need to make sure works. ty found a moniter. its a bit fuzzy when it starts up, but the resolutions pretty good. still better than our huge lcd moniter thinger. i just finished going through our towers, the cd drive is broken on one....unfortunately, thats the only one that works, but oh well.... its actually in pretty good nick, considering its copyrighted 1988-94 or something. sadly enough, it needs a start-up disk, and the cd-rom isnt going to fixed anytime soon..... 

Over 70 percent of the population has reported havign deja vu at some time in the life.

It seems to be more common in 15-20yr olds.

It has also been firmly associated with temporal-lobe epilepsy. People suffering an epileptic seizure of this kind can experience déjà vu during the actual seizure activity or in the moments between convulsions.

Psychoanalysts attribute déjà vu to simple fantasy or wish fulfillment

Psychiatrists ascribe it to a mismatching in the brain that causes the brain to mistake the present for the past.

Many parapsychologists believe it is related to a past-life experience. 

.....but does anyone really know?.....i sometimes visit places in my dreams that i end up seeing....one time i was in london and i saw the very house that id sat down before....it was very, very chilling.....

you think you cant be categorized, but you can....

you think no one notices you, but they do....

so many cliques in high school...

collared preps, jocks, stoners, white trash, punk/goth posers who wear the clothes because they think they're cool, kids that just dont give a damn, skaters, preps (the non-collared, tight clothes-wearing variety), old school/modern punks, metal/romantic goths, the list goes on and on.....

why is it that everyone feels the need to belong? or takes pride in not fitting in, in being different?.....but your not...your just like all the others, trying to seperate themselves from the nameless faces that crowd the corriders...

analyzing seems to be all that gets done. thinking opens up too many things that dont need to be dwelled on. its always better to watch than to reflect 

...your going to be thrilled, its another post about americn waste, materialism and all that fun stuff that we always fight about.....

(....because you know i wish you were dead inside.....you and all your lies)

what they dont teach you in schools:

1 in 37 adults living in the United States is in prison or has served time there (that's more than 5.6 million Americans)...the highest incarceration level in the world. it also has one of the worlds highest prison populations. did you know there are about 4,500 registered sex offenders among the evacuees in new orleans alone? and thats without taking into consideration those who are unregistered. it seems that no matter where you look, this nation is immoral. on television, it seems that anything that would once have been deemed "R: for mature audiences" now has a PG-13 rating. my 9yr old brother brings friends home all the time that talk about the latest horror film they've watched....that their parents let them, made them watch. it isnt right. all this talk about about protecting the innocence of teens, when really its the young ones that need to be protected....who would want their 9yr old child watching a film that features half-naked people of a regular basis consumating their relationships? america has fallen so far, so fast.

"the United States has become too big, too powerful, too intrusive, materialistic, too high-tech, too globalized, too militarized, too imperialistic, too violent, too undemocratic, and too unresponsive to the needs of individual citizens and small communities."

maybe if the united states stopped concerning themselves with the rest of the worlds affairs it might actually be able to do something with this false, stereotyped, artificial playground in which children and adults seem to play the same roles....

another query, in reference to the materialism of americans today... if you went shopping with your teenage daughter, would you allow her to buy clothes that barely cover her midriff and clearly define every single curve in her still-developing body? i have brothers. all my cousins are male. most of my friends are male. im all too aware of what of boys think about when they see a girl wearing something like that....i really dont think any parent wants someone to have those thoughts about their daughter. and im all too aware that some parents (and teachers) need to be better role models (*cough*my mother*mrs. kirby*cough*)....

i spoke to a girl today that confided in me that she buys a new purse every time she goes to the mall. well thats just wonderful. there are children starving in africa and india and all you do is go out and buy something you already own and will probably end up at the bottom of your closet like the rest of your junk.

its all so frustrating. you see all these things going on around you, all the immoral/indecent acts that people have no problem with, it seems that every time someone wants to shock, they need to go to a whole new level. how long before cusswords become common and accepted in formal society? how long before people just stop wearing clothes alltogether and lose all pretense of modesty? it all sucks. the world has become such a horrid place to live in. everywhere you turn, its incessent.

you americans say in the pledge of alligence "one nation, under god"...now tell me, please, is that the same god that gets slandered repetitively on television? that gets mocked and made fun of? and now, if you will, let me ask you something else. why is it that other dieties dont seem to get raped of dignity as much as the christian one? is it because americans can only make fun of what they know best? or is it because they're so simple minded they're allowing themselves to become manipulated into believing that what they're doing is "comedy". because it isnt. its like raping a priestess. its low, crude, pathetic, done by a person who has no regard for or semblence of respect, and its in very bad taste.

america is no longer the land of the free and home of the brave. its the prison of the innocent and mansion of the immoral. and it fucking sucks.

shes threatening me with wisconsin academy again. good luck with that. she keeps asking me if im alright. i dont fucking know...... everything that happened over summer..... ive changed, i just dont care anymore.... she asked me what happened to the "happy, carefree girl". shes dead. she died last summer along with all the fake images her parents placed in front of her.

 at sarah's party, i just didnt fit in...i talked to greg and libby, but the list ended there....im fucking sick of hearing about the japanese club....NO ONE FUCKING CARES, OK?......NO ONE CARES ABOUT ALL THE ANIME YOU READ, THE SHOWS YOU WATCH. YOU ONLY FUCKING DO THAT BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO LIFE. everythings so empty....all the superficiality...i hate it all....

i would love to make a really in-depth post, but i cant gether the energy...

i talked to nathan last night. he was kind of sobbing into the phone. he said he was upset about something i'd said to him on the bus, namly that if he dies i shall have sex with drew on his grave.....probably not the wisest thing to say to a kid that still has feelings for you, but i was slightly upset myself, seeing as he'd amused himself by pushing me into lockers earlier (he bruised my shoulder in the process...bastard). after 30 minutes of very strained conversation, i informed him of my sudden urge to do all my homework, at which point he released me.

i also talked to kaitlyn, who informed me that little nathan has been making enquires about my sex life. personally, i find that very disturbing. its not his business, nor anyone elses, for that matter. he also wanted to know if she could shed any light on why i broke up with him....hehehe, kaitlyn's so loyal, i love her to pieces, she just looked at him and said something along the lines of "hmmm, i really dont know....no idea...".  shes awesome. she really is. hehehe, after that we talked about phone sex for a while (talked. not had). i feel bad for her, she doesnt have any friends in her classes, poor thing....

the third and final person i spoke to last night was drew. it was such a relief to able to have a phone convo with someone that doesnt threaten to kill themselves every 2 minutes (cough*nate*cough)... plus drew's so easy to talk to. idk, whenever i talk to him its like im talking to someone ive known my whole life. and actually enjoy talking to (as opposed to, say, my weasely brothers). he gives me a great feeling of stability, i guess. its nice.

my father returns from his china trip today. lucky bastard. he wanted me to go, but i had to decline, seeing as i really couldnt justify wasting 4,000 dollars on expenses. i hope he thought to pick me up something from the duty free though. that would be quite exhilirating.

i should have seen it when my hope was new

now my heart is black and my body's blue

.....they wouldnt stop fighting today....over everything and nothing.... i called her an evil bitch and she just looked at me. no response, no emotion, nothing.....i can never get through to either or them.... i dont know how.... 

staring at these people who once lived together, now broken. split down the middle. ive heard their reasons, listened to their arguements like a jury at a trial. listened to them pleading their cases. listened to her mostly. hes just an empty soul. we are all he really has. maybe thats why i take his side. maybe thats why i hate him so often. for the lies he told me, for the lies he told everyone.... hes living on the surface.... he isnt really there.... and i cant drag him back under, to something real..... hes so false.... and shes so stubborn... would it kill them to say they're wrong. just once. give in, take the blame for a stupid mistake. is it really that hard?

i dont know what to do anymore. theres nothing left. they're both trapped, consumed in a silent screaming match. she refuses to speak her mind to him, prefering to play the accuser, and he just sits there, in all his passive-agressiveness, calmly throwing back all her statements, like its some sort of game. only it isnt. it never will be. this is all for real.

what the hell. i hate my brothers so much right now.

harry and tyler told my mother that id been smoking pot.

which is a total lie.

retards. 

they dont understand anything.

if they knew the same stuff i did they would be less inclined to go tattling to their parents.

speaking of which, my father has another "business trip" tomorrow. what a surprise.

are all people cynical? or is it just me? i dont know anymore.

ive been practising the art of pointillism a lot lately. red on white.

it looks quite nice.

i have come to the realization that dots amuse me, lines release me, pictures entertain me, but dismembered heads are just plain funny.

im so nervous about seeing drew again. i dont know why. i couldnt sleep last night, i just kept thinking about him.

i miss him all the time. its crazy. but then again, arent we all?

homecoming was incredibly fun, mostly because of a certain person.....*smiles to herself*....

drew's such a sweetie

A-GE OF FIRST KISS:

....hmmmm..... historians will argue...

B-AND YOU ARE LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW:

im not

C-RUSH:

:)

D-AD'S NAME:

stuart.....aka the sperm man

E-ASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO:

drew

F-AVORITE ICE CREAM:

passion fruit

G-UMMY WORMS OR GUMMY BEARS:

Gummy bears

H-OMETOWN:

dont have one

I-NSTRUMENTS:

piano, tin whistle, a bit of cello

J-UNIOR HIGH:

i went to a different school for each year. 8th grade was kmms though

K-IDS:

kids....kids.....hmmm....nope, cant say ive ever had one before..they taste any good?

L-ONGEST CAR RIDE:

8 hours

M-OM'S NAME:

shelley

N-ICKNAME:

alex, alexio, alexandria, al, allie

O-NE WISH:

....if i say it, it wont come true...

P-ETS:

Austrailian Shepard named Aussie, exactly like carly, lol

Q-UOTE:

"you are all a lost generation"

R-EASON TO SMILE:

drew puts up with me

S-ONG YOU LAST SANG:

"the phantom of the opera", as sung by lacrimosa

T-IME YOU WOKE UP TODAY:

6:00

U-NKNOWN FACT ABOUT ME:

most of my friends are on my hit list

V-EGETABLES YOU HATE:

aubergine makes me gag

W-ORST HABIT:

mumbling

X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD:

my chest

Y-EARS SINCE YOU'VE BEEN TO CHURCH:

try 4 days

Z-ODIAC SIGN:

scorpio

you cant do anything to me.

you can lock me up for ever,

but i wont let you break my spirit

i am me

sending me away isnt going to solve my problems

it isnt that simple

hard eyes behind a calculating smile

so much like your father.

did he threaten you too?

threaten your freedom for dabbling in all that you did?

maybe. i wouldnt know.

hes dead anyway. carrying my secret to his grave

you can stop me if you want

go on

i dare you

Confessions
Body: x your confessions:

[ ] I'm afraid of the quiet.

[ ] I am really ticklish.

[ ] I'm afraid of the dark.

[ ] I'm afraid of facing my back to open doors at night. (and being near windows in the dark.)

[x] I believe in true love

[ ] I've run away from home

[ x ] I listen to political music.

[ ] I collect comic books.

[x] I shut others out when I'm sad.

[ ] I open up to others easily.

[] I am keeping a secret from the world.

[] I watch the news.

[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.

[ x ] own something from Hot Topic.

[ x ] I love Disney movies.

[ ] I am a sucker for BLUE eyes.

[ ] I don't kill bugs.

[x] I curse regularly

[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name

[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a real conversation

[ ] I love Spam.

[ ] I bake well.

[ ] I have worn pajamas to class.

[ ] I have owned something from Abercrombie.

[ ] I have a job.

[ ] I love Martha Stewart.

[x] I like someone.

[] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.

you make me sick

you make cry

you make me regret

you make me sigh

you disgust me

i hope you choke back on all the lies you've ever told

i pity your current victim, my dear. i hope she has her duct tape ready, because she's going to need when you decide to break her heart.

This was written by a guy who has years of experience. Believe you me, most of them are true about girls....

1. Whatever you do, don't just show up at her house...she runs around in her underwear just like we do.
2. DON'T CHEAT ON HER. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, she WILL find out and you will be mud.
3. Beware of every single male relative and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your ass at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn't even wait for the damn hat.
4. Never miss an opportunity to tell her she's beautiful.
5. Don't refuse to kiss her in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it's just because they're jealous.
6. If she slaps you hard, you deserved it.
7. Don't be afraid to touch her if you want to. If she's going out with you in the first place, it's because she likes being in your arms.
8. If you don't sleep with her, DON'T tell your friends that you did.
8.5 If you DO sleep with her, DON'T tell your friends that you did.
9. You can be dirty minded in private, really...most of them are not offended by it...
10. Not all of them eat like birds, a lot of them can eat like whales.
11. Most of them don't mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and your friends will know you're a pussy..
11.5 Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time!
12. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend- a stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts, and a really pretty ring. Even if it's not a serious relationship.
13. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you're dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren't dropping her off, call to be sure she's home safely.
14. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to beat the shit out of him.
15. If you're talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer.
16. Never, EVER slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or something, never make any gestures back.
17. Go to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn't care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.
18. You're dead meat if you can't get along with their pets, parents, and best friends. Be prince charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals.
19. Don't flirt with their moms...that's just freaky.
20. Don't be freaked out by PMS. It's not gross, and it really does make them feel like shit, so be understanding.
21. If you don't like the way they drive, you do it.
22. If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend.
23. Don't stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you.
24. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being asked.
25. Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle.
26. Memorize their god damn birthdays. You forget her birthday and you're basically screwed for life.
27. Don't marinade the cologne, but smell good.
28. Don't give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or Valentine's day. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful. Jewelry is always nice.
29. If you think the relationship isn't going to last, don't wait to find out. It will only hurt you more if you draw it out.
30. After you've been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond.

Your Colour is Black..
You are a lonley person who seems to be broken
inside you have either alot or few friends but
you sometimes keep your feeling locked up
making yourself crumble....


http://quizilla.com/users/emoq2/quizzes/What%20Is%20Your%20Colour%3F%3F%3F%3F%20Sorry...%20Only%20girl%20pics!/"> What Is Your Colour???? Sorry... Only girl pics!
brought to you by Quizillahttp://quizilla.com">Quizilla>

your a slave under a spell! your very distant and
lonely, and most of the time you are off
wondering in your own little world. your very
obedient though, and will do everything your
master says. but seriously, get a personality!


http://quizilla.com/users/avi10/quizzes/what%20would%20you%20be%20in%20a%20fantasy%20world%3F%20(amazing%20pics!)/"> what would you be in a fantasy world? (amazing pics!)
brought to you by Quizillahttp://quizilla.com">Quizilla>

i slapped my charming ex-boyfriend because he was being insolent and insinuating that i did unmentionable things with my bag. he deserved it. of course, afterwards he went around calling me a bitch (but he didnt haev the guts to say to it my face....little prick). tomorrow im going to have a little chat with him. he started up a new religion called nathanism, and keeps trying to make me join it. he has 6 members so far, and he's keen to have his first human sacrifice.... apparently he has some freshman in mind.... should be interesting...

he leaves me alone more now, though. which is extremely pleasent.

poor carly... shes so confused and upset about everything.... i feel really bad for her... she doesnt seem to have a lot of luck in her relationships....

...dont be sad, car...

well, im having a really shitty time. been doing homework for the past 7 hours straight, and im not nearly done with my project, or any of the other ones i still have to do. damn me and my procrastination. fuck this, im not going to school tomorrow. im wrecked, i feel like shit, and wakign up at 6 to spend 7h5minutes in a prison (or school. depending on how you look at it) is not what i particularly want to be doing.

fuckers.

i need a break. my ma's plannin a trip back to oz with tony for next summer, i think i'll go with them. i havent seen my grandma in a while. or i could fly back to ireland and crash at one of my friends houses.... that might be interesting... i havent seen them in 2 years or so.

im so sick of hearing about the japanese club. and if gregory tries to convince me to go to japan with them one more time im going to shove a wooden sword up his ass. i know i cant draw anime for shit, ok? ....theres no need to constantly point it out, you bastards. and if sarah makes one more friggin comment about what im wearin/ what my hair looks like/ the fact that im wearing the same pants again, im going to fucking kill her.

get a life 

*deep breath*

im done bitching.

i finished it. i actually finished that fucking project.... *danced around for a bit*....

never fear morgan, i might come in tomorrow since i was able get that son of a bitch done... no mention of the speech i will have to write during lunch, but that cant be helped... i was destined to do badly in that class anyway...

i love drew so much. he makes me so happy, all the time. for some inexplicable reason when im with him i feel completely at peace. its much more different than i was with gus. with him i felt pressured, with drew i just feel loved.

not to mention the fact that i would never, ever cheat on drew.... i just physically wouldnt be able to.... whereas with gus, on the other hand.... ahem...

..drews such a sweetie...

....i would elaborate further, but it would all have to be censored, unfortunately....

ive been home all day, and its been great. its not like anything interesting is happening in any of my classes anyway. i slept in till 11, then cleaned the kitchen for shelley, including my brothers bathroom.

my shoulders are killing me, thanks to mason ray and his well-practised vulcan death grip, or whatever it is. painful, yet strangely arousing.... i told him as much, and then we spent the rest of the speech class in hysterics. most enjoyable.

evanesence. bring me to life. its a damn good song. i remember, back when we were moving here, i would crash on the sofa watching mtv, and they would play this song every 5 minutes or so. it reminds me of a lot of things, actually..... if i remember correctly, it was around that time when i went to Australia with tyler to stay with my grandmother for a month or so. an enjoyable experience indeed.

she lives across from a huge catholic family (9 kids. its insane. there's something to be said for condoms). anyway, it was about that time that i had blue hair, and lived in my slipknot t-shirt and really sweet baggy jeans (damn i miss them.... ive never found a pair like them). their mother hated me with a passion...hehehe... mostly because i would argue with their daughter over religion. she had this warped idea that "babies are a gift from god, and im never having sex, its disgusting".... so, naturally, i had to set her straight..... i believe it all accumulated in a huge debate over the various properties of the vagina... i tried to get my mother involved, but she didnt want to ruin Therese's innocence.... that girl was weird, all right. one day she flashed me because she was worried about the size of her still-devekoping breasts... it was, um, odd........

Hallowe'ens coming up fast. this monday. the Eve of Hallowed Day. when the door to the Otherworld opens up for one night only, allowing safe passage between worlds.... but may God help anyone caught inbetween once daylight breaks.

i believe in spirits

i believe in demons

i believe in witches

i believe in sorcery

i believe in necromancry

i believe in witchcraft.

Hallowe'en gives me the chills. To some people its just a commercialized holiday.

but im still stuck in the spirit of Oiche Shamhna

.....ta eagla orm.....

Antiquity Goth
Antiquity Goth...Inside you feel sad, and don't know why. Most of all, you would have loved to live a few centuries ago, when girls were holy and men had to fight in the war. You love to read and write. People like you for you calmness.

Take the quiz: http://www.zenhex.com/quiz.php?id=5718 "What kind of Goth are you?"

this is one of those times when i wish my dad had a phone at his place. i havent spoken to carly since wednesday, and i havent spoken to drew in even longer....

im watching carrie right now. its quite interesting.

damn.... that was so sad.... im really not good with horror movies.... it was so painful to watch... i would hate to be stabbed in the back by my mother as i was in her arms sobbing...

*takes a deep breath* ....ok, ive stopped crying now.....

its not the beginning

its not the end

things will never

be the same again

______________

no real point in caring anymore, right? not much to look foreward to. the simple pleasures witheld.

so am i a slut, like im sure some people assume? maybe. i'll leave that question to the philosophers. my conscience is clear.

even if im not.

axe body wash... its how dirty boys get clean

Take the quiz: "What'>http://www.zenhex.com/quiz.php?id=4319">"What Linkin Park song are you?"

Nobodies Listening
You're 'Nobody's Listening', meaning no one ever listens to what you have to say and what you want to do.

Take the quiz: "What'>http://www.zenhex.com/quiz.php?id=939">"What High School Stereotype Are You?"

Goth
You love the darkness. People are afraid of you and you like it like that.

Take the quiz: "what'>http://www.zenhex.com/quiz.php?id=10111">"what kind of drug are you? (includes pictures)"
http://img1.zenhex.com/quiz3/10111/res1.jpg" border="0">
cocaine.
you are cocaine. addictive, expensive and confident.

happy birthday mother

1)My mother once: went to see duran duran live in dublin (lucky lucky lucky lucky...damnit...)


2) Never in my life: have i watched two chickens mating



3) When I was five: i was an unholy terror


4) High School was/is: depressing on so many levels


5)I will never forget: my mothers birthday


6) I once met: the author of "under the hawthorne tree"


7) There's this person I know who: has his dick pierced

8) Once, at a bar: i drank 4 glasses of orange juice in a row



9) By noon I'm usually: in biology


10) Last night I: went to bed early


11) If I only had: a flatter stomach



12) Next time I go to church/temple: will be on saturday



13) Terri Schiavo: was a vegetable.



14) I like: drew's neck



15) When I turn my head left, I see: a lightswitch 



16) When I turn my head right, I see: a door. and a wall.


17) You know I'm lying when: my eye twitches... ok, so it doesnt actually do that, but it would be funny if it did



18) In grade school: i was the known as the weird girl

19) If I was a character written by Shakespeare: i would die tragically in a fountain of blood



20) By this time next year I: will be a junior

21) A better name for me would be: that


22) I have a hard time understanding: boys


23) If I ever go back to school I'll: laugh at the fat lady



24) You know I like you if: i flirt with you/ tell you i like you/ mapquest where you live



25) If I won an award, the first person I'd thank would be: .....thanks? wth would i thank anyone for....



26) I hope that people stop: pretending to be nice to me



27) Take my advice: people will stop talking to you if you hiss at them


28) My ideal breakfast is: a banana



29) A song I love, but do not have is: wonderwall


30) If you visit my hometown, I suggest: watch out for the kangaroos on peoples lawns


31) Tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars: all track stars with character flaws are implanted with a microchip that destroys tulips


32) Why won't anyone: die


33) If you spend the night at my house: youd have to watch out for the mannequins

34) I'd stop my wedding: if i started vomiting uncontrollably


35) The world could do without: televisions

36) I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: have gym class 



37) My favorite blonde is: drew



38) Paper clips are more useful than: thumbtacks



40) And by the way: i think im about to be sick



41)The last time I was drunk: was a few weeks ago



42) My grandmother always: tells me dirty jokes

eric, this ones for you, seeing as youre always talking about how confusing girls are......

1. girls have been known to hold meetings about what their boyfriends have done. if you dont want it talked about, dont do it.  

2. girls like it when you call them once in a while.

3. chivalry is supposedly dead, so if you at least act like a gntleman you have a head start on the rest of the male population.

4. girls get jealous very, very easily. even if they like to pretend they dont

5. all girls are insecure in some way. dont treat them like they're made of glass, but be mindful of their feelings.

6. sometimes its good to make the first move.

7. be protective of your girlfriend. chances are she'll like it.

8. if you do want to be protective of other girls, dont tell her (see #4).

damn i had some fun last night.

it was just me, tony and the trouble n strife. after dinner i made my mother attack the piano with me. i play classic, she does improv. it was really nice, we were both sitting there playing a bunch of old songs,screaming at the top of our lungs and laughing every time we screwed up. not the false, plastic "hee-hee" or the high pitched squeal most girls seem to do today. it was just pure unadulterated laughter. i dont even remember the last time id laughed that much. 

once we'd both calmed down a bit, my ma wanted to do yoga with me, so we placed ourselves unceremoniously on the carpet and did just that.

....then we did some other stuff.... lots of blood.....i loved it....

lightning is so beautiful. thunderstorms are like black holes. stand near one and you can feel your life force draining into the storm..... nothing matters anymore. its just you and the darkness....

thanks for putting up with me, car.

its like balancing of the edge of the highest building you know. take a step back into your life and youll never be satisfied not knowing what it was like. but if you jump everything you once knew will fall with you and you'll be left, torn and broken at the bottom. you'll be free, but everything comes a price.

so is it worth it?

....neither kaitlyn or katie decided to spend the night. tyler's party is ok. after playing halo 2 for 3 hours or so they watched star wars 3..... i never realized 8th graders could get so dirty....

im so sick of trying to find a decent power supply for my compaq. bloody thing. it seems like as soon as i get one it screws up after a month or so. the last good one i had lasted for ages, then for no apparent reason just quit one day. wonderful. i was able to find one a good one online, but i dont really feel comfortable buying computer stuff from the internet, because you just dont know what kind of quality you're going to get. i really need to buy a proper computer. laptops have their little uses, but unfotunately those uses are pretty much limited.

what is it with people and their religion? damn. i really dont think anybody has the right to call themsleves one thing or another if they dont actually bother to practise their religion in the first place.  i got really mad at carly today because she was pissed off that drew was condemning catholics. car, i know your probably going to kill me for saying this, but i dont think you have any real right to be mad. just because your family is catholic doesnt mean that you are. especially if you dont follow the beliefs of catholism.

catholism has been proven over and over again to be an inadequate religion. im not going into detail because i know that luminaire is going to do that particular topic justice eventually. suffice to say that i am not very tolerent of catholism. my grandmother is catholic and i love her with all my heart, but i disagree with the majority of her beliefs. not to mention the fact that i used to attend a catholic all-girl school run by some loopy old nuns that lived in a little cloister thinger next door. ever been questioned by a fat old lady in a habit with warts on her face? not fun. but i digess. im getting off topic as usual.

no matter which way you slice and dice it, catholism has some serious flaws. and i dont think anyone can truly call themselves catholics unless they have addressed the issues in some way of another. its just silly.

to end this little ranting i think a dandy little quote from austin powers is in order:

"and im spent"

goodnight everyone

"if you're wondering - dont wonder. over-thinking on life is a trap. get out of it. there usually isnt much explanation to much of what happens"

i think the person who wrote that had a very valid point. there isnt much point is mulling situations over and over again. it only leads to disheartenment and self worthlessness.

and another thing. there are about 6 billion people in the world, and it really isnt possible to please them all. instead of worrying unnecessarily about what other people think and do, everyone needs to take some time to stop and unwind for a moment.

......thats the last time i headbang to nirvana.......

ever come across a wormhole that leads to another dimension? wouldnt that be nice.......

theres one in our school. a hallway to nowhere. carly showed it to me. almost deserted, abandoned, except for the odd fat lady that waddles in there from time to time...

so peaceful. i watch everyone else go by. its like a whole other world outside of that corridor. people walk past, dont see us. its almost like they cant. we're trapped in another dimension, but we dont mind.... because it stops everyone else from getting to us.....

fuck high school. its over-rated.

be brutally honest. i want the truth.

what do you think of my:

1. family:

2. personality:

3. friends:

4. house

5. clothes:

6. hair:

do you think im:

1. attractive?

2. weird?

3. perverted?

4. sick?

5. fun to be around?

6. depressing?

7. annoying at times?

what would you do if i:

1. told you i loved you?

2. told you i hated you?

3. wanted to be your best friend?

4. got sick enough that i had to go to hospital?

5. got killed in a car crash?

6. killed myself?

7. told you a secret?

how often do you:

1. lie to me?

2. think about me?

3. wish i was dead?

4. hate me?

5. wonder what im thinking?

6. want to tell me something, but dont?

if you repost this on your blog i'll return the favor.

this is the score

take it or leave it.

thank you to all who remembered it was my birthday today.

i appreciate it.

carly, the blog post was extremely thoughtful.

eric, thank you for the ecard. it was simply marvelous.

kaitlyn babe, you have no idea how happy your phone call made me. you were the only person to call me today. (oh how nice it is to be so popular....)

nathan, although you arent going to read this, i appreciate the fact that you remembered my birthday and planned on calling me, even though you didnt and i called you up and yelled at you. which you took like a man, might i add.

and lastly, drew, thank you for the ecard. it was very quaint. im sorry that im pissed off at you. its a silly girl thing that i'll get over as soon as possible. thank you for remembering my birthday at least.

as for everyone else, go burn.

ok, ok, im only joking... most of you probably dont know me well enough to care anyway....

i went over to nathan's house tonight. its wooden. entirely made of out of wood. its so weird. i went rifling through his room to try and find out where he hides his special magazines, but i was unsucessful. he has a hp pavillion... they amuse me.... he also has a drum set, so we amused ourselves by whaming away at those things like there was no tomorrow. there was no one else in the house, so keeping the noise down wasnt an issue.

wow, im so retarded...

i finally have my laptop back, and i kept trying to sign in to a bunch of things, but it kept saying my password was incorrect..... no wonder, because right before i stopped using it i had been screwing around with the keys and swapped b and x around... im so stupid... it was pretty funny though...

discussed grades wit my ma tonight. she agreed that if i can drag my gpa back up over a 4.0, then she'll let me wear my hair the way i want.... its gonna be fucking hard, though... ugh.... especially where math is concerned....

least im not as bad as harry. his teacher has given up on handing out late slips. instead he just keeps him in during lunch. stupid kid.

 Firsts...
First Best Friend: olivia
First Kiss: i refuse to answer this one 
First Screen Name: dont remember
First Pet: budgie
First Piercing: none
First Crush: colm
First Music: busted 
First Car: volkswagon

7 Lasts...
Last Cigarette: clove
Last alchoholic beverage: vodka 
Last Car Ride: does the bus count? 
Last Kiss: drew
Last Movie Seen: troy
Last Phone Call: carly
Last CD Played: cof

6 Have You Evers....
Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Friends: yes
Have You Ever Broken the Law: yes
Have You Ever Been Arrested: nope 
Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: no
Have You Ever Been on TV: no

5 Things....
5 Things You're Wearing: heart necklace, a green sock, a white sock, an icp t-shirt, my mom's jeans 
5 Things You've Done Today: laminated notecards, hugged greg, barely passed a math test, listened to erin, got pushed by leah
5 Things You Can't Live Without: warmth, drew, food, water, air. 
5 Places You've Been: my bedroom, school, the art room, the living room, biology class
 

4 Favorite things In NO Order: nathan, the piano, drew, music, my sexy scarf

3 People You Can Tell *Almost* Anything To: drew, my mum, carly

2 Choices...
1. Black or White: black hides dirt better 
2. Hot or Cold: hot.  
1 Thing You Want to Do Before you die: bunjee jump from the auckland tower in new zealand 

we're all trapped hopelessly, you know. you can never escape from your own mind. it'll drive you crazy, but you cant.

everything you've ever done, seen, heard, every feeling that youve ever had, every thought that you've ever thought... its all in there somewhere, waiting to re-immerge whenever it damn well feels like it.

it's all rather silly.

but whatever.

be careful what you expose your mind to. it wont ever let you forget it.

w00t, going over to nate's tomorrow, hopefully

to work out details for some things

should be very fun